26 Weeks

Today marks 26 weeks.  We are speechless.  No words can describe it.  Do we celebrate?  Do we just continue on?  What do we do besides just wait with fear and anxiety?

The farther along we get, the harder it becomes for us that we are going to lose our baby.  Many babies are born premature and are fine.  Why can't Noah be early?  Why can't they fix him?  These are questions we have asked the doctor and still the outlook is grim.

We move forward thankful for each milestone Noah makes it through.  We cherish the moments we get to be his parents, knowing that someday God will be a better parent than we can ever be.  We are comforted by knowing that God will take care of Noah on earth and in heaven.  As we wait in these difficult moments, we continue to ask God for a miracle unexplainable by human medicine.  While we wait, we try to find peace in all of this knowing that it is in God's hands.

We stay strong when everything feels so wrong

A friend recently emailed me about how we are strong in our weakest moments.  I would agree.  I have lived a very blessed life.  Though misfortune has arose at times, I would bounce back.  With this experience, I realize what it is like to fully bow before the Lord, crying out for his mercy and grace.  I realize what it is like for Him to carry me in my weakest moments.  

Though Dan and I are going through a lot of pain right now, we have also had so much joy.  The joy of hearing Noah's heart beat strong and another week with him.  The joy of a strong marriage, deeply rooted in our faith.  The joy of knowing we have a Savior guiding us through.  The joy of family and friends who love and support us through this time.  The joy of Noah already getting a nickname from his aunt.

So, though we are extremely weak...parts of us are becoming extremely strong.  With God's support and the support of those around us, we face each day not knowing what the future holds.  We are thankful for the strength that God provides us to get through each day.

Still beating strong...

Our weekly check-in at the doctor went great.  Noah's heart is still beating strong.  Today marked 3 weeks, so already Noah is proving that he is a fighter.  Though the outlook is still the same, we celebrate that he has made it longer than they expected.  Each day is a blessing.  

At this appointment we recorded the heartbeat on my computer.  Now we can listen to it whenever we want. 

We continue to praise God for supporting us in our weakest moments and we praise Him for Noah.  

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Time stands still...

Usually two days before our appointment time begins to stand still.  Our lives feel similar to the childhood game Red Light, Green Light.  The green light is on when we celebrate our the sound of the heart beat.  It carries us through most of the week, feeling blessed that Noah is still with us.  We celebrate and plan the week ahead.  Praise to the Lord is given.  Then typically two days before our appointment the fear of the unknown begins to set in.  As we near the appointment, the red light goes on.  We become numb and paralyzed with fear.  Each step is difficult, everything feels like you are climbing a mountain.  We are unable to make definite plans for the week ahead, we just don't know.  When we are standing still, it becomes some of our darkest times.  Again we question God and why this is happening.  Broken hearted we cry out to the Lord.  Our trust remains in Him, but we humbly ask for more time with Noah and we humbly ask for a miracle.  

Please keep us in your prayers as we go through these dark times that seem to stand still.  Pray for a miracle for Noah and that our faith stays strong through all these hard times.

The Importance of being a good stranger...

As Dan and I face our tribulations, we realize many around us have pains of their own that are so deep.  We realize we are not walking alone in this painful steps of life.

The other day, an elderly man working at Meijer really touched our hearts.  Though we don't know him and will never be able to thank him, he provided a bright spot in our day.  He was diligently cleaning the windows as Dan and I were exiting.  With the sincerest voice and look on his face, he looked up from what he was doing and wished us a good day.  After that Dan and I looked at each other thinking, if only he knew.  If only he knew how much of an angel he was to us at that moment.  If only he knew how much we needed to hear those words.  If only he knew how much he brightened our day with the sincerity in his voice and the compassion in his eyes.

We realized at that moment that so many people around us are walking through pain in their lives.  We carry on our lives looking put together on the outside, but we are broken inside.  We stay strong when we need to, but in the darkness of the night our true feelings and pain come out.

Short of the story is...Dan and I strive to be that uplifting stranger in others lives.  We strive to wish others a wonderful day and provide a much needed smile in their day.  We also challenge you to do the same.  The journey of life is difficult, lets support one another through our difficult times.

Breath by breath

Our days seem to be breath to breath.  Some moments we are so grateful for each extra day we get with Noah.  We cherish the little things in life and make the most of everything.  Other moments are so painful and filled with tears.  Dan has to often remind me to breathe as I crumble apart.  The change can happen in an instant.  

Tuesday was such a wonderful day.  We felt so blessed to have another week with Noah.  The sweet music of his heart pumping strong lingered in our ears all day.  We felt so loved and supported by all.  We could feel God guiding us through and giving us the courage to bond with our precious little boy. 

Wednesday was also great, in the beginning.  Noah got some cousin time in and went blueberry picking.  If only blueberries could heal because he had his fair share of them.  For those of you who don't know, blueberries are my FAVORITE!!!  The first time I went picking with Dan, I couldn't understand how he was content only eating 3 berries.  I on the other hand, probably end up with more in my belly than in my bucket.  My mom always tells me that blueberries are brain food, so Noah's synapsis' must really be firing today.  The day continued and we were still feeling good about everything.  Dan and I were excited to be able to buy Noah his first Bible and looked forward to bedtime stories at night again.  We felt good about the day.  Then instantly the onset of emotions came again.  I was overwhelmed by the realization that someday we will go to the hospital and come home empty handed and broken hearted.  A nursery ready and waiting that will sit empty and closed up until we can bear to have the door open again.  So many hugs and kisses that we wouldn't be able to share.  Noah would no longer be with us, and we would be alone.  Thoughts I don't wish to have flooded my mind. The only thing that gets me through these moments is knowing that the Lord is going to take better care of him than Dan and I ever will be able to.  Dan and I may not be able to teach him all the things we had hoped, but the Lord will be a much better instructor than us.  So again we surrender ourselves to Him, trusting that He will carry us all through this storm.

Though we continue to cry out to God asking why this is happening, we pray for God's presence in our weakest moments.  May He continue carrying us through the weak times and may we continue to walk along His side when we are strong.  Breath by breath we will continue praying for a miracle and His guidance as we wrestle with the question, how can God feel so close, yet so far away?  

Making the most of each moment...

Dan and I are striving to make the most of every moment we have with Noah.  Though are days are filled with pain, we also have times of celebration and precious moments that will last a lifetime.  We do things that people may think are odd, but it provides peace and comfort to us.  We know we want to be the best parents we can possibly be, so we are making each moment count.  Though what we do feels a little awkward at times, we know that when we look back we won't regret loving Noah like we did.  We have begun reading bedtime stories to Noah, we pray out loud, sing songs to him, and tell him constantly how much we love him.  Though it is strange and extremely painful at times...we do it as a way to show him we love him.  It is our way of being the best parents we can while he is with us.

Family, Friends, and Dan

Through all of this, we have been blessed with such amazing people.  Our families and friends have been there to let us cry and also to distract us from the everyday pain.  Though words are not easy to find, the presence of people being there is priceless.  We couldn't have asked for better family and friends.  The cards that are sent are constant reminders of how much we are all loved and how many people are praying for Noah.  The calls and texts before our appointments and periodically throughout the week to check on us mean more than you all will ever know.  We feel so blessed to have an army of people out there praying and thinking of us.

My rock through all of this has been Dan.  I always knew I was lucky to be his wife, but I never realized how lucky until now.  Dan is the strong care taker in all of this.  He knows how weak I am and carries me through.  With his endless hugs, words of encouragement, and spiritual guidance our relationship continues to grow as we pass through this storm.  Dan's love for me and Noah get us through the difficult moments in the day.  I thank the Lord often for blessing me with such an amazing husband.

Our Story

In February 2009, we found out we were expecting!  It was such an exciting time for us, but we were cautious to share and celebrate.  We had previously been through a miscarriage and wanted to wait until things were safe before we shared.  

The end of March, we went in for our first appointment and an ultrasound.  I will never forget the look on Dan's face when the baby showed up on the screen.  It was one of those moments in life that I will cherish forever.  We smiled and cried tears of joy as we saw our little peanut's heart beating ever so strong.

We continued with our appointments, Dan always wanted to be present as we heard the cherished heart beats.  Little did we know how precious and important those beats would become to us.

At our 20 week ultrasound, we knew we didn't want to know if we were having a boy or a girl.  To us, a healthy baby was all that we asked for.  Boy or girl, the surprise could wait until November.  At the ultra sound, it was amazing again to see our baby.  So perfect to us.  Cute little toes and even a thumbs up.  We left our appointment so excited.  At this point the excitement of it all had really sunk in, we were going to be parents.  About a day later the nesting began.  We cleared out closet spaces and prepared the nursery.  Good times were had as we began to celebrate.

A week and a 1/2 later, my doctor called.  He called to tell me there were some concerns with our ultrasound.  Four things were noticed on the ultrasound:  1.  Our baby was measuring a week behind.  2.  It's kidneys were larger than normal.  3.  It's femurs were measuring shorter than normal.  4.  There was shadowing just beyond the stomach.  The doctor explained that alone none of these would be a big concern, but because there were 4 things it could be a sign that our baby had Down's Syndrome.  This hit us hard, but we knew that God would get us through, and we would love our baby no matter what.  

Less than a week later, we went to see the specialist in Grand Rapids.  Little did we know this visit would change things for us dramatically.  First, we met with the genetics counselor.  She went over our family history.  She began with my family, asking about my siblings and their children.  At this time, all Dan could do was chuckle as he began to prepare sharing about his side of the family.  For those of you who don't know, Dan is 1 of 12 kids.  We thought another paper was going to be needed in order to fit all the information.  We fumbled through guessing everyone's age and hoped we got the order correct.  I think we did alright for not having things written out before.  Looking at the family history, there were no red flags and things looked good.  This was followed by an ultrasound that changed everything.  We went in excited again to be able to see our baby.  Strong heart beat, cute toes and fingers, and a precious little rump that was sticking out.  The lady doing the ultrasound was moving through things rather quickly, trying to carry on small talk...but looking back we realized she knew something was wrong.  She finished the ultrasound and darted out the room to get the doctor.  Dan even joked about how quickly she left.  The doctor came in and immediately told us things did not look good.  In my mind, things were still okay.  I was prepare to handle any disabilities our child would have.  I knew that our faith and marriage were strong, and we could handle the road ahead.  I knew no matter what, our child would be precious to us and we would love him unconditionally.  I was not prepared for the doctor to tell us that our baby was going to pass away in the next 2-3 weeks.  I felt like a bus had hit me.  Our world had just crumbled.  Our precious little baby had fluid filling around his brain and abdominal cavities.  The doctor said in a few weeks his heart would fill with fluid and the beating would stop.  Everything else that was told to us was a blur.  Nothing was sinking in except for the fact that there was nothing we could do but wait.  Aside from a miracle, the prognosis wasn't good.  The doctor then prayed with us and we were on our way.

The ride home was pretty silent, we couldn't digest what had just happened.  We were numb and in shock.  The next days were filled with questions and anger.  How could our precious little baby's heart that is beating so strong just stop?  Why was God doing this to us?  What have we done to deserve this?  What did I do wrong to cause this?  We were helpless, angry and confused.  Our faith was present, but we were skeptical as to why God would be allowing this to happen.  We knew God was mourning with us, but we were still upset.  Our tear filled prayers cried out for answers.  

A week later, at 24 weeks, we went in to check on the heart beat.  More scared than we have ever been in our lives, we entered the office.  Right away, they took my blood pressure and then checked for the baby's heart beat.  The beating was strong and showed up quickly.  It was like a double edged sword...we celebrated that our baby was still alive and well, but we remained hurt by the inevitable they tell us is coming.   Due to the situation, Dan and I wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  We knew that looking at another ultrasound would be painful, but we needed to know.  We found out it's a boy.  Another moment with Dan I will never forget.  I could tell he was so proud to be having a son, but crushed by the fear of not being able to have father-son time.  We named him Noah Daniel.  Finding out was the best thing we could have done, it has truly helped us bond and no longer do we have to keep saying "the baby" and "it".

The following week was not easy.  Again we felt helpless and questioned why this was happening.  Our faith in God became stronger as the days progressed.  Our biggest lesson was trusting that God is in control.  Though we pray for a miracle, we trust that God will take care of Noah.  Someday, on earth or in heaven, we will see our precious little angel.  For now we just trust in God being good and supporting us through all of this.

Week 25, we went in again anxious about what we were going to hear.  Right away Noah's little heart came pounding through the monitor.  Such a sweet and precious sound...I could listen to it for hours.  We praise the Lord for another week with Noah and pray for many more to come.  The doctor reminded us again that the prognosis isn't good.  Noah may hold on until November, but there is nothing medically they can do to help him if he makes it to that point.  Dan and I continue to hold on to the hope of a miracle.  We pray for a miracle and celebrate each extra moment we have with Noah.