Noah's Park

Last week, I was taking care of my 3 year old niece when we decided that Tucker needed a walk. So, out we went into the heat and roasting sun. A few steps into our walk, Izzy started asking to go to "Noah's Park". At first I was unsure if I had heard her correctly, and to be quite frank I was surprised she knew we were not far from the cemetery. My heart was warmed when I realized she frequently goes to the park next to where Noah is buried and has named it "Noah's Park".

Our hot and humid walk was a little longer than a 3 year old can handle, so it led to me carrying her. Not smart, but how can you say no to a sweet little thing asking you to go to the park? Our travels continued and once we arrived, it was like routine for her to help water Noah's flowers and then go over to play on the swing set. It means so much that my nieces and nephews are familiar with Noah and all know that he is in heaven. We feel so blessed to be so loved and cared for by those around us.

On a funny side note, I was also very excited she knew the direction to Noah's Park. No offense to her directionally challenged father, but he still gets lost at the cottage after 12+ years of going up there. I'm comforted to know she doesn't have his sense of direction.

In Memory of Noah Daniel

This weekend we planted a tree in memory of Noah. My parents have a cottage up north, that we know will always be a homestead in our lives. It is a place that holds so many memories of good times and laughter. It is a place we go to getaway from our hectic daily life. It is a place we knew we wanted to plant a tree.

Noah's tree is planted in the perfect spot. It sits peacefully in the retaining wall in a place that can be seen during all the daytime activities. As the retaining wall is finished, there will be beautiful landscaping and small deck.

We often dreamed of raising Noah and the fun times we would share at the cottage. Skiing, tubing, paddle boat rides, catching turtles, campfires...all the things that make it being up north. Having a tree there to remind us of him seems only fitting.

Beautifully Made

Today I found out an old friend of mine is heading into a similar journey we had with Noah. My heart breaks for them. Knowing the fears and anxieties they are having all to well, I pray for her and her family as they face the scary road ahead. I pray their faith stays strong at their darkest times and that miracles can happen.

"Beautifully Made" is how she describes her child. Such a true and touching statement that brings me to tears every time I read it . Please pray for her and her family as they meet with the specialist and find out more about their child.

Miss Malorie

A year ago, Dan and I met a little girl named Malorie. She melts your heart in an instant with her sweetness, but makes you chuckle with her sassy comments. Her spunk and zest for life are contagious. She can light up a room with her engaging personality and great sense of humor. As we've had our dark times, Malorie has always put a smile on our face. She makes us laugh and is such a joy to be around.

Malorie is 7 years old and living with Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). SMA is the #1 genetic killer of children under the age of 2. 50% of those diagnosed will not live to see their 2nd birthday. Malorie is beating the odds! She is growing, thriving, and loving life!

She needs your prayers and your votes!

Chase is giving away $5,000,000 to US charities - and a SMA charity, The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation, has a real shot of winning - they were already a $25,000 winner in the first round! This round could reward the SMA research community with $1,000,000!

Please, family and friends, take a minute to vote! A million dollars can go a long way in helping Malorie and so many other SMA kids/families. The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation has already accomplished so much--please vote and help them make more strides! After voting for the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation, who has earmarked the $1 million for SMA research, then please SHARE this with everyone however you can (FB, Twitter, blog, email, web site, phone call) and urge them to do the same. You can vote up to 5 times - between Jan 15-22. Please help - they are so close to the cure! http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/710566?src=wallpost&ref=mf

Below are some of the great moments we've been able to share with Mal. Times when she made us smile...

This is at Malorie's golf outing in July. She is an excellent putter.

New Year's Eve we played Wii Fit Plus! Malorie won the crown for skiing!
Here she's ready to race down the hill, screaming at me the entire way down... "FASTER slowpoke!!!"

Again, please remember Malorie in your prayers and don't forget to VOTE!!! If you want to learn more about Malorie feel free to visit her blog...http://maloriefox.com.

Letter to Noah

Dear Noah,

Yesterday, we celebrated Christmas. We celebrated the birth of Jesus. On earth we tried having parties that honored Him, but I'm sure we can't even fathom how great a party it was in heaven. We spent some family moments by your burial site, which we visit quite frequently. Our sadness was comforted when we reminded ourselves that you are in heaven. Though we missed you here on earth, we took great comfort in knowing you were being held by your true Father.

Daddy spoiled Mommy this year, but it just made us both realize that money can't buy happiness. We would have traded everything we have in order to spend the holiday with you. But, again we remind ourselves that we wouldn't want to take you from the wonderfulness of heaven.

You were remembered by so many people this Christmas. Several beautiful ornaments were sent for you. Keepsakes that mommy and daddy treasure so much. Ba and Papa donated money in your honor to organizations that mean a lot to us. Oma did too! It's great to know that you are making an impact and helping others in need, something that your daddy and I feel so strongly about doing. Your creative Aunt Erin (along with the rest of the Lowe clan) got you a stocking with your name on it, a sweet ornament with your footprints and a poem that made mommy cry, as well as, a donation to an organization. Boy are you loved. Even though you weren't here to celebrate with us, you were remembered by all.

Our day was also filled with laughter. Your cousins can really make us chuckle. Kori and Eli came dressed in their new christmas presents. Kori was dressed as a cheerleader. She looked so cute with her pigtails. I don't think we'll ever hear a cheer from her, but she sure looks cute in the outfit. Eli came dressed in his Lions uniform, helmet and all. Ever since Farve left Green Bay, his daddy went back to being a Lions fan. Though Eli's mom (your Aunt Shawn) is a HUGE Vikings fan, his dad (your Uncle Chad) holds onto hope for the Lions. Chad refuses to become a Vikings fan, even though Farve is the QB. Izzy did her usual strip tease act after getting water on her shirt, we're not sure where she got that from...nor do we want to know. Isaiah serenaded us with his new guitar, he will be talented just like his daddy.

We missed you at our festivities, but we know you are in a better place.

Forever in our hearts-

Mom and Dad

P.S. I included some of the pictures I took with the new camera Daddy bought me. Daddy was a goofball and wore Eli's helmet.

Christmas

Sorry I've been so absent, in blogging and in life. Dan and I are both still so up and down with our daily emotions. One minute we are feeling strong...the next we are angry with God and the injustice that surrounds us. Just when we begin to find peace...something else around us smacks us in the face leaving us wondering...Where are you God?

As we approach Christmas, we find ourselves only to handle small doses at a time. To get through the holidays, Dan and I have avoided decorating. No tree, no lights, and no wreaths. We know we aren't being very festive, but we also know that our hearts can only handle so much. The only decoration we have put up is the beautiful wreath by Noah's marker.

As we are go through our ups and downs, we still know that God is wrapping His loving arms around us and carrying us through. Though we are angry and sorrowful, He is there. The days ahead we will cling to the true meaning of Christmas and remember Immanuel.

Getting Away

With our due date approaching, Dan and I know we need to get away for a little while. The anticipation of events seems to cause more stress than the actual events. Knowing this, Dan and I decided to plan a trip...something to look forward to. So, instead of focusing on what should be...we are packing our bags for a little sun and heading to Mexico.

We look forward to being anywhere but home on November 4th. We are both very blessed to have jobs that are flexible to our needs. Personally, being at school wouldn't be good for me. I know that my heart and mind won't be there. Each day, I gladly give so much of myself to help my students out. However, I know I need to take care of me during this week. Spending time away with Dan is just what is needed.

As we continue to ask why, we continue to gain strength each day. Our emotions are always just under the surface and it doesn't take much for these emotions to reveal themselves. Our faith stays strong as our broken hearts heal. As we are learning from others that we meet who have had similar experiences, this journey of healing will continue for a lifetime.

Test

Dan and I got our test results back. Everything looks to be normal. Thanks for your prayers!

Aching Arms and Hurting Hearts

It has been two months since we held our little angel. We still long to hold him and share precious moments with him. As time goes on, we struggle with finding a normal in our lives. Peoples lives move forward, yet we still feel broken in the shadows of daily life. We walk the steps of life, put together on the outside, but still so broken and weak on the inside. We go to church on Sundays, sitting or standing in the back so we can escape when our emotions take over. Newborn babies are everywhere in the church we have been attending. We try to stay in the back, but each week we are challenged by the placement of young infants being directly in front of us. So, we attempt to stand in the narthex, but again babies are everywhere. There use to be so much joy we had when seeing a little one, but now we turn away to take deep breaths to prevent ourselves from breaking down. Then, the guilt sets in for our reactions. We want to be joyful for others and we are, but we are still so raw.

On October 3rd, we participated in "A Walk to Remember" at Fallasburg Park in Lowell. For 23 years, families who have suffered loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death gather to walk in memory of their lost ones. We walked for the footsteps Noah will never take on this earth. We also learned that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as decreed by President Ronald Reagan in 1988 because of a loss he went through.

This month we will face many challenges ahead. First of all, we are a month away from our due date. We fear the days ahead and all the painful milestones we will have to get through. Dan and I will be going on vacation so we don't have to be home on November 4th. Secondly, my family will be having some medical procedures done at Holland Hospital...a place we wish we never had to go to again. On Wednesday, my niece will be having dental surgery. In her 2 1/2 years, I have been there through all her surgeries and hospital stays. We feel guilty not being able to stop in to even check on how things are going or to see her when she is coming out of the anesthetics. Then, in a couple of weeks my mom will be having hip replacement surgery. As much as Dan and I would like to avoid Holland Hospital forever, we know we have to set our pains aside to be strong for others. We have always been there for family and they have always been there for us. How do we support when we are paralyzed by the thought of even entering the dreaded hospital? Lastly, we continue to wait on our previous test results. We become anxious about the results and our future.

Please continue to pray for us. As we lean on God and ask for his guidance, we continue to face dark trials.

Noah's Marker

Noah's marker has been placed at his grave site. On it states Isaiah 43:1, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Each visit to Noah's site will remind us that the Lord called him by name. We will be reminded that Noah is celebrating in heaven with all those who have gone before us. Though we continue to mourn, we know our precious baby boy is in the arms of his Creator.

School

School has been wonderful this year. I have a group of students that I would love to hold onto until they graduate. I've had so many moments of happy tears. The simplicity of my kids being prepared for class, having their homework finished, and participating in class leave me so excited about the progress they are making. Their smiles and excitement warm my heart continually.

Today one of my students touched my heart in a way she will never understand. She came in so proud and excited to give me a gift. With a large grin on her face she revealed to me the sun catcher she made for me, it was a butterfly. Being a teacher, you get some random gifts from kids that you kinda wonder what you should do with them. Not this time. This gift touched my heart and continues to make me smile every time I see the sun shining through it. As it hangs on my classroom window, I'm reminded of Noah and I'm reminded of my gift of teaching that God has blessed me with.

Needless to say, being back at school has been a blessing. The kids are such a bright spot in my day. I continue to pray for strength as the stress of everything piling up begins. Though Dan and I continue to mourn and have our weak moments, we are also having a little joy in our life too.

Trisomy 21 Confirmed

Today we received confirmation from the Mayo Clinic that Noah had Trisomy 21, otherwise known as down's syndrome. In some cases, like Noah's, Trisomy is complicated by non-immune hydrops.

Dan and I are thankful to know the results about Noah. It doesn't place him back in our arms, but it closes some of the questions we had.

Dan and I will have to get blood work done to find out if we carry part of an extra chromosome, which is called balanced translocation. If we do, they tell us that our next child would have a 1 in 7 chance of having Trisomy 21 again.

We are still anxious about getting our blood work done and fear one of us may carry the extra part of a chromosome. We pray for the test results to be clear. We trust that God will lead us through.

Thanks for the Prayers!

Today was the 1st day of school. It came with some anticipation and nervous jitters, but it went better than I envisioned. I felt everyones prayers giving me strength and courage, so thanks.

My first encounter was with a student I had last year, who is now a big high schooler. She so sweetly walked into my classroom saying hello and sharing her fears and excitement about being in high school. Then, she so sweetly made the effort to say to me, "I'm sorry about what happened." Very simple and sweet. It meant so much.

My second encounter was with one of my 8th graders. Bless her compassionate little heart. She latched on to me like she was afraid I was never going to see her again. As I worked to peel her off so I could at least breath, she stated "My family is so sad for you. We are all just so sad, especially me." She gave me several hugs through out the day.

All in all, it was good to be back. I will continue to lean on the Lord in the days ahead, but I praise Him for carrying us this far. Thanks to all of you for the many prayers and encouraging words. Your thoughtfulness always brightens our day.

The Start of a New Year

Tomorrow is the start of the new school year. Although I am a bit apprehensive about the 1st week, I know once I face my fears of moving forward I will be okay. It has been 5 weeks, and I still feel like my emotions are pretty raw at times. As much as I would love to lock myself into my home for the months ahead, I know I was blessed with gifts from above. The Lord will give me strength in the days ahead. Strength to get out of bed in the morning and strength to serve my Savior. Strength to face scary and uncomfortable situations. Strength to move forward when I want to hold on so tightly to the past. Strength to find joy and happiness in the world around me.

Please continue to pray for peace and strength in the days ahead.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The past couple of days Dan and I have encountered a few things that have set us back.

Today, I had to go back to school for teacher inservice. It was a day I've been dreading for awhile. My stomach has been in knots, and I've been having panic attacks. The anxiety has been like nothing I've every experienced. Last night, I broke down. I couldn't hold it together any longer. I was so scared to face people at school...not because I thought they didn't care, but because I wasn't ready to end my grieving time. I was and am scared to move forward. Dan, not knowing what to do or how to help me, said something that really helped me out. "Because we were born into sin, bad things happen. As we cry out, "Why is this happening?", on the flip side, "why do we deserve the wonderful things that we have?". We don't. We don't deserve a loving family, supportive friends, and a strong marriage...but, by God's good grace we are able to have these things and so much more." Dan's words really touched me. The precious memories we have of our pregnancy with Noah are a gift from God. These thoughts comforted us and allowed us to finally rest our heads for the night. As I woke up in the morning, the anxiety was still there, and I was on the brink of tears. My body was shaking and weak. Fortunately, I was able to drive in with my cousin/coworker Nickie, who knows all too well the fear of facing a crowd after tragedy, and she was my support through the day. Walking into the cafeteria was so scary, all I could do was turn my back to the crowd of people and try to blend in. As people would approach me with a hug, it was a therapeutic release of all the built up anxiety. It was good to be back, but definitely not enjoyable. A school is filled with terms that constantly send me into a emotional break down. While we were learning a new online grade book system, a comment was said, "You can set the due date of an assignment and then mom and dad will be able to check the grade." Of course, my brain picks out due date, mom, and dad. Another thing that is talked about ALL the time are trimesters. When I hear the word, I don't think about how the year is broken into three periods. I think about how I was so close to my 3rd trimester with Noah, and then how I wish that I was still carrying him. Needless to say, it was not an easy day and it felt like all the steps forward I have taken are suddenly lost ground. With God supporting me I know I will get through and make more steps forward in the next days.

Another setback also happened this week. After we delivered Noah, they took his birth pictures. Instead of sending them to us, we had to pick them up at the hospital. It wasn't just the hospital though, the pictures were in the nursery. Making grieving parents go to the hospital in general is just cruel, but forcing them to go to the birth center and specifically to the nursery, is one of the WORST things they could ask of parents who so long to have their baby in their arms. Dan, being the strong caretaker, knew I emotionally couldn't handle going back there. He went on his own. Alone, he had to face the painful memories that the hospital holds. How blessed am I to have such a great guy that chose to marry and love me each day? Dan is a gift from God that I am so blessed to have. Dan's experience at the hospital wasn't easy, but prayers and God's strength got him through.

The last set back we are facing is the fact that we still haven't heard the results of Noah's testing. Last week, we were okay with not knowing because it didn't change the outcome...Noah still wouldn't be with us. This week, we are becoming impatient with waiting. We just want to know some answers.

In the days ahead, please continue to pray for our strength. Please pray for the test results to come soon so that is one less thing we have to worry about and one more step towards closure. Pray for Dan and I as we enter into a new stage of grieving and at times struggle to understanding each other.

Back into the Swing

I wish I could say that getting back into the swing of things is easy, but I can't. Tuesday was Dan's 1st day back at work. I never realized how dependent on him I have become. It is hard when the one person you can relate to isn't by your side 24-7.

Getting back to school isn't easy at all. On Thursday, I found myself breaking down and not being able to get the courage to go to school myself. I realized that I have always faced people with Dan by my side and now facing people alone scares me. I'm not sure why, but it just does. Fortunately, my sister was kind enough to sit with me at school. On Friday, I decided to brave it on my own. I've never felt such anxiety in my life. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking, and I'm sure my face was showing every ounce of fear that I was feeling. The typical door I take to get to my classroom was jammed and I couldn't get my key to work. So, I had to go through the busyness of the volleyball camp that was taking place. I was so scared that I would run into a student and have to explain my situation.

Dan and I pray for strength as the school year approaches. It is hard for me to talk about what happened without tears. I'm not sure how I am going to explain in a way that is appropriate for a public school. With my nieces and nephews I can just say that Noah is in heaven and it's a happy thing. How do you explain it when it has to be so matter of fact?

I pray that I am ready next week, but I'm scared. I have no reason to be scared because I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive coworkers, yet I can't get rid of the fear I have. I can't even explain what it is that I am scared of because I really can't put it into words.

Relying on God's strength, I will continue this journey back into the swing of my everyday life. Though I would love to continue summer vacation for a few more months, the reality is...life is continuing on. Dan and I still hold tight to our precious memories of Noah. We still have our times when we wish he were with us, but we realize that life around us is continuing on. We can't stay in our holding pattern of life forever, we must continue on living our lives for the glory of God. We continue to question Him and at times get upset with Him over what happened, but we know that we were given gifts by God to use in life. My gift is teaching. So, as I get back into the swing of things I will trust in God to give me the strength I need to face each day ahead.

Feeling so Loved

Dan and I are so grateful for the wonderful people who have surrounded us during our time of need.  Your thoughtfulness continues to touch us with each day.  

Recently, Dan and I received a letter from the funeral home stating that someone anonymously covered the costs of Noah's memorial.   Though we can't personally thank those responsible for this act of kindness, we hope they read this blog and know that their kindness is appreciated.  The different expenses we encounter are very painful.  Instead of spending our money at Babies 'R Us on fun things like strollers and car seats,  we are hit with funeral costs and burial fees.  The emotional toll that comes with each bill sent to our home is harder than the actual expense of the bill.  When we got  a letter from the funeral home stating that our expenses were covered it brought tears to our eyes.  We felt so loved that someone was so selfless and helped us out in our time of need.   With all our hearts we thank you and appreciate what you've done.

Another act of kindness that warmed our hearts was a recent trip to Frankenmuth.  Dan's Aunts took us there as a little getaway and a way to show us their love.  Who knew our little getaway would end in stardom.  Thanks to Grace's desire to turn left and Marlene's love for chocolate, we walked into a little shop and were asked to be part of an advertisement they were shooting.  With wine and chocolates, we dined with real class as the cameras rolled.  At one point they wanted a close up of me sipping the wine.  Since I'm not a wine drinker, I had to choke down the small sample they gave me while maintaining a pleasant look on my face.  We are all waiting on our next casting call.  We were cheap actors for them...a box of chocolates and we were ecstatic.  Later that evening we went to Bronner's and shopped till we dropped.  Who knew there could be so many Christmas items?  It was a nice getaway for us and again we were touched by their thoughtfulness.

And still there are others that have brought flowers, made goodies, given us dinner, given us sentimental objects, and so much more.  Words can't even begin to express how blessed we feel to be so love.  Your kindness is a witness and encouragement to us.

Update

This past week has been very busy.  Dan’s sister got married on Friday, so it was a week full of family festivities.  Poker, golf, hanging out, and LOTS of eating…good times, but I feel the stress of summer coming to an end. 

School starts in less than 2 weeks.  Am I ready?  Nope, but I will be.  I always get anxious before school starts, worrying about how the classroom looks and spending countless hours on small silly details.  This year I’m not so anxious about all the little aesthetic details, but I am more worried about my emotional state.  Dan and I are much stronger than we were a couple of weeks ago, but I’m nervous about seeing everyone at school again.  It is just one more step towards facing the reality of all that has happened.  Once I get through the first few days, I’m sure I’ll be fine…it’s just the anticipation of those days that I dread.  The kids I will be working with this year are wonderful, but I’m not sure how to approach the situation with them.  I pray for God’s guidance and strength.

Dan and I had a doctor’s appointment today to find out the results from the tests sent to Mayo Clinic.  I wasn’t looking forward to the appointment and the memories that would come back while we were there.  Just being there causes such broken heartedness.  Unfortunately, the results aren’t back so we don’t know anything yet. 

Our faith remains strong as we continue to heal.  We have our good days and our not so good days.  Daily we pray for strength and peace as we approach each day.

Wise Elder

Before we left for our getaway, one of our wise elders from church reminded us to look for the God moments like the one we had at Meijer.  Well, we had one.  Very silent and touching.

 

First, a little background to help you understand the significance of the moment.  At Noah’s memorial we ended by releasing of a box full of beautiful monarch butterflies.  One by one they flew off to the heavens, except for the few that wanted to stick around the flowers placed over Noah.  From that moment on we knew we would look at monarchs differently and be excited about each time we spotted one.

 

Dan and I were on a nice Sea-Doo ride.  The day couldn’t have been more perfect.  A warm breeze was blowing in our faces with the bright sunlight dancing off the water, a real moment of joy.  We were taking in all of God’s splendor, when all of a sudden, a beautiful monarch butterfly flew above us.  It was as if God was telling us, “You think this is good, just wait until you are in heaven with me and Noah.”  We were speechless and loving every moment of that treasured encounter with the butterfly.

Our Four-Legged Hairy Love

Our dearest Tucker has had a rough couple of weeks.  Dan and I have so neglected our sweet puppy, the one who always greets us with excitement and cuddles up with us when we are sad.  

Our poor pooch became the brunt of much of our anger.  Little things he would do, like being excited to see us, he would get yelled at.  Our patience was thin.  

The walks weren’t as frequent as they had been prior.  We didn’t give him the love and attention we had always given him before.

On our way up north, we realized how much Tucker has taught us about forgiveness.  Though we had our moments of anger and he was neglected from all his usual attention, he was still there with his big brown loving eyes. 

Going up north is Tucker’s favorite.  

He gets to swim, chase fish, go for paddle boat rides to find more fish, catch frogs, take Sea-Doo rides with Dan, and just be lazy in the sun.  

His days are so filled with excitement that he needs lots of naps to help him out.

Needless to say, our getaway has also been much deserved by our furry love Tucker.    

Tuck provides us with so much undeserved love and it refuels our souls.  We are so thankful for him.