Back into the Swing

I wish I could say that getting back into the swing of things is easy, but I can't. Tuesday was Dan's 1st day back at work. I never realized how dependent on him I have become. It is hard when the one person you can relate to isn't by your side 24-7.

Getting back to school isn't easy at all. On Thursday, I found myself breaking down and not being able to get the courage to go to school myself. I realized that I have always faced people with Dan by my side and now facing people alone scares me. I'm not sure why, but it just does. Fortunately, my sister was kind enough to sit with me at school. On Friday, I decided to brave it on my own. I've never felt such anxiety in my life. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking, and I'm sure my face was showing every ounce of fear that I was feeling. The typical door I take to get to my classroom was jammed and I couldn't get my key to work. So, I had to go through the busyness of the volleyball camp that was taking place. I was so scared that I would run into a student and have to explain my situation.

Dan and I pray for strength as the school year approaches. It is hard for me to talk about what happened without tears. I'm not sure how I am going to explain in a way that is appropriate for a public school. With my nieces and nephews I can just say that Noah is in heaven and it's a happy thing. How do you explain it when it has to be so matter of fact?

I pray that I am ready next week, but I'm scared. I have no reason to be scared because I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive coworkers, yet I can't get rid of the fear I have. I can't even explain what it is that I am scared of because I really can't put it into words.

Relying on God's strength, I will continue this journey back into the swing of my everyday life. Though I would love to continue summer vacation for a few more months, the reality is...life is continuing on. Dan and I still hold tight to our precious memories of Noah. We still have our times when we wish he were with us, but we realize that life around us is continuing on. We can't stay in our holding pattern of life forever, we must continue on living our lives for the glory of God. We continue to question Him and at times get upset with Him over what happened, but we know that we were given gifts by God to use in life. My gift is teaching. So, as I get back into the swing of things I will trust in God to give me the strength I need to face each day ahead.

Feeling so Loved

Dan and I are so grateful for the wonderful people who have surrounded us during our time of need.  Your thoughtfulness continues to touch us with each day.  

Recently, Dan and I received a letter from the funeral home stating that someone anonymously covered the costs of Noah's memorial.   Though we can't personally thank those responsible for this act of kindness, we hope they read this blog and know that their kindness is appreciated.  The different expenses we encounter are very painful.  Instead of spending our money at Babies 'R Us on fun things like strollers and car seats,  we are hit with funeral costs and burial fees.  The emotional toll that comes with each bill sent to our home is harder than the actual expense of the bill.  When we got  a letter from the funeral home stating that our expenses were covered it brought tears to our eyes.  We felt so loved that someone was so selfless and helped us out in our time of need.   With all our hearts we thank you and appreciate what you've done.

Another act of kindness that warmed our hearts was a recent trip to Frankenmuth.  Dan's Aunts took us there as a little getaway and a way to show us their love.  Who knew our little getaway would end in stardom.  Thanks to Grace's desire to turn left and Marlene's love for chocolate, we walked into a little shop and were asked to be part of an advertisement they were shooting.  With wine and chocolates, we dined with real class as the cameras rolled.  At one point they wanted a close up of me sipping the wine.  Since I'm not a wine drinker, I had to choke down the small sample they gave me while maintaining a pleasant look on my face.  We are all waiting on our next casting call.  We were cheap actors for them...a box of chocolates and we were ecstatic.  Later that evening we went to Bronner's and shopped till we dropped.  Who knew there could be so many Christmas items?  It was a nice getaway for us and again we were touched by their thoughtfulness.

And still there are others that have brought flowers, made goodies, given us dinner, given us sentimental objects, and so much more.  Words can't even begin to express how blessed we feel to be so love.  Your kindness is a witness and encouragement to us.

Update

This past week has been very busy.  Dan’s sister got married on Friday, so it was a week full of family festivities.  Poker, golf, hanging out, and LOTS of eating…good times, but I feel the stress of summer coming to an end. 

School starts in less than 2 weeks.  Am I ready?  Nope, but I will be.  I always get anxious before school starts, worrying about how the classroom looks and spending countless hours on small silly details.  This year I’m not so anxious about all the little aesthetic details, but I am more worried about my emotional state.  Dan and I are much stronger than we were a couple of weeks ago, but I’m nervous about seeing everyone at school again.  It is just one more step towards facing the reality of all that has happened.  Once I get through the first few days, I’m sure I’ll be fine…it’s just the anticipation of those days that I dread.  The kids I will be working with this year are wonderful, but I’m not sure how to approach the situation with them.  I pray for God’s guidance and strength.

Dan and I had a doctor’s appointment today to find out the results from the tests sent to Mayo Clinic.  I wasn’t looking forward to the appointment and the memories that would come back while we were there.  Just being there causes such broken heartedness.  Unfortunately, the results aren’t back so we don’t know anything yet. 

Our faith remains strong as we continue to heal.  We have our good days and our not so good days.  Daily we pray for strength and peace as we approach each day.

Wise Elder

Before we left for our getaway, one of our wise elders from church reminded us to look for the God moments like the one we had at Meijer.  Well, we had one.  Very silent and touching.

 

First, a little background to help you understand the significance of the moment.  At Noah’s memorial we ended by releasing of a box full of beautiful monarch butterflies.  One by one they flew off to the heavens, except for the few that wanted to stick around the flowers placed over Noah.  From that moment on we knew we would look at monarchs differently and be excited about each time we spotted one.

 

Dan and I were on a nice Sea-Doo ride.  The day couldn’t have been more perfect.  A warm breeze was blowing in our faces with the bright sunlight dancing off the water, a real moment of joy.  We were taking in all of God’s splendor, when all of a sudden, a beautiful monarch butterfly flew above us.  It was as if God was telling us, “You think this is good, just wait until you are in heaven with me and Noah.”  We were speechless and loving every moment of that treasured encounter with the butterfly.

Our Four-Legged Hairy Love

Our dearest Tucker has had a rough couple of weeks.  Dan and I have so neglected our sweet puppy, the one who always greets us with excitement and cuddles up with us when we are sad.  

Our poor pooch became the brunt of much of our anger.  Little things he would do, like being excited to see us, he would get yelled at.  Our patience was thin.  

The walks weren’t as frequent as they had been prior.  We didn’t give him the love and attention we had always given him before.

On our way up north, we realized how much Tucker has taught us about forgiveness.  Though we had our moments of anger and he was neglected from all his usual attention, he was still there with his big brown loving eyes. 

Going up north is Tucker’s favorite.  

He gets to swim, chase fish, go for paddle boat rides to find more fish, catch frogs, take Sea-Doo rides with Dan, and just be lazy in the sun.  

His days are so filled with excitement that he needs lots of naps to help him out.

Needless to say, our getaway has also been much deserved by our furry love Tucker.    

Tuck provides us with so much undeserved love and it refuels our souls.  We are so thankful for him.

Therapy with Golf

Dan’s way of dealing with things is a good round of golf.  Unfortunately, we have chosen hobbies that cost more than we should be spending, but Dan loves to golf and needed a little therapy time.  So off we went.

On Tuesday we headed out to Lakeside Links in Ludington, home of one of my grandfather’s hole-in-ones.  If only Dan had such skill on the day we went.   His comment was that his chipping stunk like a wet goose fart on a muggy day (from the must see movie New In Town).  The chipping caused a few moments of frustration, but on the bright side at least he was consistently bad when he retried his shot.  (No worries, we weren’t holding anyone up…we were actually waiting for a few groups ahead of us so Dan decided to make the most of his time on the course.) 

Many things added to the day’s adventure.  At one point, Dan jumped out of the cart while it was still moving.  He quickly learned to never again place his foot in the way of the cart.  A little ride over didn’t slow him down.  Next we were trying to climb the steepest terrain on the course with the cart.  When the cart stopped moving at the 80-degree incline, I thought it would be best for me to jump out and push.  Dan’s logic behind it was that it was a beautiful outlook over the lake we were next to.  Then came the moment of greatness…the hole that I believe my grandfather got a hole-in-one on.  Dan being the pressure player he is, gets up and smacks the ball.  FORE!!!  We pull up to find his ball placed 5 feet from the golfer waiting to tee off the next hole.  The comments of the golfer were, “all I heard was a thud”.  Fortunately, no one was hurt…just maybe Dan’s pride.

I decided my body wasn’t really ready for a round of 18, so I decided to just ride along.  Little did I know my body would never be ready for the adventures of riding with Dan on the golf cart.  The carts had to have been super charged.  They went about mach 10 and Dan was loving every second of the speed.  I on the other hand was not.  On the 1^st nine, I thought my white clenched knuckles would have been clue enough to Dan to slow down.  As my body flopped around like a wet noodle, I was reminded of Dan’s frequent reminders to me that I need to be blunt with him in order for him to understand what I need.  So, kindly I asked if he could slow down a touch.  Not because the speed, but because of the speed combined with the bumpy terrain.  I literally think the cart was airborne at times.  My core muscles being too weak to hold me in the cart, I flopped from side to side as I braced myself with all the limbs I had.  Sweetly he would apologize and slow down, until it came to his next shot.  Then, off again, zooming like a bat-out-of-hell.  I think at one time he commented on how much he loved the speed of the carts.  As I would cling to the cart for my own safety, he continued his Nascar driving on the greens.  Kindly again, I would ask him to slow down.  He would sincerely apologize, hit a bad ball, and then off to the races we would go again.  Needless to say, I was glad to sit back in the Lazy-Boy and rest my back after that adventure.

The next morning we headed to Meijer to get a few things.  Looking at the magazines, Dan decided he needed to read up on how to improve his chipping game.  On the cover was, “10 ways to improve your chip shot”.  Perfect!  Rule #1 was “Good chippers are self taught”.  Instantly this poses a little bit of a problem.  Well, I guess we will leave it to Dan to work on this one.  Many more rounds of golf will be needed, but like I said its Dan’s therapy.  If only we could figure out a way for MESSA to cover some of the therapy costs.

 

Getting Away

Today is Tuesday, our most dreaded day of the week.  It marks so many emotional moments.  Our week has felt like one giant roller coaster of emotions.  The dive into sadness happens in an instant, followed by a surreal peacefulness.  Just one week ago, we stopped hearing the precious little heartbeat we always anxiously awaited to hear.  Our hearts are aching and we so long to hold our little boy.  We are missing him with every beat of our own hearts.  Everything around us brings on reminders.  From the clothes in my closet that don't seem to fit like they did a week ago, to Dan wrapping his arms around me, somehow our thoughts always go to Noah.  We are filled with reminders of the things we will miss out on...rocking him to sleep, golfing with Dan, long walks with Tucker, the list could go on.  We wake up in the stillness of the night wishing the silence were broken by the screaming of a baby.  

Time is needed to heal our brokenness and strengthen our spirits.   Being home is too hard, too many painful decisions and too many painful reminders.  Dan and I have decided to head back up north for a few days to get away and begin the healing process.  We hope to find some peace and comfort while being gone.  We hope to gain some strength in our time together.

Faith, Family, and Friends

Without our faith, family, and friends, I'm not sure how Dan and I would get through this dark trial.  All three of these have carried and continue to carry us through our moments of weakness.

Faith

Our faith has been so important.  Dan and I often stop in our tracks praying for the Lord to give us strength to make it through each step along our difficult journey.  Prayers in bed in the morning, prayers while getting ready for the day, prayers in the car before we go where we need to go, prayers at meals, and prayers before bed are all part of our day.  I've never needed to depend so much on my faith.  I've never needed to ask God for so much strength.  There isn't a moment that goes by that we don't rely on our faith in our Creator.  As difficult as it is at times, we continue to praise the Lord.  We praise Him and rejoice that He has called Noah by name and has taken him to be in heaven for eternity.  We find comfort in knowing that someday soon we will meet Noah in heaven.  We will join him in singing eternal praises to our Father.  Noah is in a much better place than any of us can even imagine, and we take comfort in knowing that someday we will rejoice with him the glories of our God.  

Family

I'm not sure we can even begin to sum up how grateful we have been for such a wonderful family.  They have been there through each step.  They have been there for us to cry and they have been there to distract us when needed.  When we felt immobilized, they were there to sit by our side or help us with the difficult task at hand.  They have prayed for us and comforted us. The most touching thing of all is that they loved Noah.  Not just a little, he was a great grandson, grandson, nephew and cousin to them.   It was so heart warming to us how much Noah was loved by them.   Thank you for holding us up and continuing to support us.  Thank you for dropping everything to be by our sides.  Thank you for spending the sleepless night in the hospital waiting on updates.  Thank you for keeping Dan calm when I became loopy from the meds they gave me.  Thank you for helping arrange the memorial service.  Thank you for coordinating a celebration of Noah's life.  Thank you for encouraging us when our spirits were down.  Thank you for being so amazing.  Thank you for loving us and our son.

Friends

Our friends have also been so loving and supportive.  Friends we haven't been in contact with for awhile, friends that I use to work with, friends I work with now, church friends, college friends, childhood friends, friends we have never met...they have all been there.  It amazed us how quickly word spread and suddenly so many people knew what was happening.  So many cards and emails were sent and prayers were given.  Friends held us up in our weakest times, not knowing what to say, they were there.

One friend I need to thank specifically is my closest friend Kara.  Kara and I were freshman roommates in college and quickly developed a friendship that would last a lifetime.  Her living in Delaware makes it difficult for us to hang out on a regular basis, but we are always in contact.  When Dan and I first found out Noah was not well, she dropped everything and flew to be with us.  Then when Noah went to be with the Lord, again she dropped everything to fly in and be there.  Her presence was so important to us.  Nothing held her back from being by our sides when we needed her most.  It meant so much.  Along with Kara, we are also grateful to have her mom's love and support.  Her mom is like a second mom to me and cares for Dan and I like her own.  She too, dropped everything to support us.  The Lord has provided us with such amazing individuals in our life.  We praise Him daily for providing us with such wonderful people we are blessed to be able to call our friends.  

Celebration of Life

Today was Noah's memorial service.  We know that God carried us through the day.  At times we were weak, but Dan and I could feel all your prayers getting us through.  After the memorial, we celebrated Noah's life with friends and family.  The day has worn us out and it is now time for us to rest.  This weekend we are heading up north to just get away.  We will treasure precious Noah in our hearts forever and are so thankful to have such a wonderful group of people supporting us through this journey.

The Beautiful Sunset

Last night Dan and I ended our day of pain and sorrow by watching the sunset.  We drove out to the country where we could remain in the car.  Through our blur filled vision, we watched the sun quickly fall.  With each tear, we were reminded not only of how short our life with Noah was, but also how precious and beautiful it was, just like the sunset.  

Sweet Innocence of a Child

After returning home from a long sleepless night at the hospital, my 6-year-old nephew woke Dan and I from nap.  He ran upstairs to our bedside and gave us a hug.  With a smile on his face he said, "I heard about your baby Noah."  His innocence was touching.

My nephew smiled, because he knew that Noah was in heaven.  He was happy for Noah because he knew Jesus was taking good care of his cousin.   

So, it was in this moment that I too needed to remember to be happy for Noah and smile because he is with Jesus.  During these valleys in our lives, Dan and I will cling to our child-like faith and remember all that is good and faithful.

On Earth and In Heaven Today

Today we welcomed Noah into this world and sent him to heaven to be an angel.  What a bittersweet day it has been.  We feel blessed to know that our precious baby is being taken care of by the GREATEST Father there is.  As much as Dan and I wanted to be great parents, we know that God will be able to teach him far better than we could ever imagine.  We serve an AMAZING God who in the midst of our pain allows us to be angry.  He allows us to be upset.  He allows us to question.  Yet in the end, His comforting presence surrounds us and gives us peace.  So, as we mourn and grieve we know that it is okay, and we know that God will carry us through.

Thanks to all of you that prayed for us.  While we were at the hospital, we felt moments of peace and comfort.  We could feel the love of all of you lifting us up.  We knew so many of you were praying for us.  Your postings meant so much and encouraged us along the way.  

As hard as it was to hold our precious baby, it was also the greatest memory Dan and I hold onto now.  We already miss him dearly and wish we could again be holding him.  We didn't want to let go.  Our pastor said it best when he told us the amazing part was that Noah was not only being held by us on earth, but he was also being held in heaven.  Only with God is this possible.  So since Noah is no longer being held on earth, we are glad that he is being held in heaven and being welcomed by those we know that are already there.

Leaving the hospital was so painful.  The only way out was past the nursery.  So while the other families got to leave with their precious bundles of joy, Dan and I got to leave holding a teddy bear given to us by the hospital.  It was pure torture.  This was followed by having to get into the car and leaving.  I so longed to snap a car seat into the back and leave the hospital as a family.   Then, to arrive home knowing that it was just Dan and I.  It was the loneliest we have ever felt.  It hurts so much knowing that Dan and I are alone in the house.  As we sit together speechless, we cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  We hold onto the precious memories we have.  

As difficult as it was to know that this was going to happen, Dan and I are grateful that we were able to treasure and make the most of the past 4 weeks.  The days and moments ahead are going to be taken one step at a time.  With God carrying us through, we know that someday soon we will see Noah again in heaven.  We will spend an eternity with him celebrating and singing praises to our God.  As we face these dark times, please pray for peace and guidance.  Pray that our faith stays strong and that we hold each other up in the hardest of times.  Thanks again for supporting us through our journey.  Your love and support means so much to us. 

Our Precious Child

Noah has gone to be with the Lord.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Tuesday Morning

Our appointment is at 9:00 this morning.  Please pray for a strong heartbeat again!

Shift in Excitement

Sharing the news of our expectant arrival was such a joyous time.  Dan and I first shared with my grandma, who is called Oma by the great grandkids.  There was something so special about sharing the news, she nearly fell over she was so overwhelmed with happiness for us.  Fortunately, Dan was behind her to catch her from her unsteady feet.  We learned that day to always tell Oma good news when she was sitting down.  This was just the start of the exciting moments of sharing our big news.  A couple of days later, we were heading down to the Florida/Alabama coast with my family for spring break.  Dan and I are HORRIBLE at keeping secrets, so not saying anyone until we got there was difficult.  The thing that helped us not tell was knowing that my mom would probably check in with us every hour on the hour for the whole 19 hour drive down, making sure we were okay.  When we arrived, we had T-Shirts for my nieces and nephews to announce the news.  I don't think that they really understood what was going on.  They were just excited to be out of their car seats.  Instantly, they were jumping beans on the bed screaming and giggling like little hyenas.  My sister-in-law saw them first and was so determined to get a picture of all of them.  However, she failed to read the t-shirt to figure out what all the excitement was about.  As my family gathered around the little jumping hyenas to figure out what was happening, suddenly my sister began screaming.  If you know Erin, you know it wasn't a quiet scream.  I'm sure 3 miles into Florida and 3 miles into Alabama vacationers were wondering what was happening.  With her screaming and classic excited foot stomp, the rest of the family eventually caught on.  It was such an exciting and memorable time.

Other exciting moments included seeing our baby on the little screen, sharing the news with my students at school, preparing the nursery, getting special baby gifts from friends, and the beginning of shopping for needed things (Dan is NOT a shopper, so him wanting to go was a celebration of it's own).

So the heart breaking part of most of what is happening is the shifting of excitement.  No longer are our excitements the typical milestones of pregnancy.  Our excitement comes when we hear Noah's heart beating strong on Tuesdays.  We pray for many more Tuesdays to come.  Instead of looking forward to stroller shopping and buying diapers, we look forward to the precious beat of a heart that we so long to know.  A heart that we long to nurture and mend when its spirit is broken.  Please continue to pray with us for a miracle!

Prayers Needed

It is Sunday and again the fear of Tuesday sinks in, as we wait for our appointment.  This week has been much different because it feels like the fear never went away.  I've never been more scared and heartbroken in all my life.  Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since we found out the terrible news and began the longest most painful weeks of our lives.  We celebrate each extra week we have with Noah and continue to pray for 3 more months until he is due, but we ask for your prayers to get us through each day.  Getting out isn't always easy.  Simple tasks seem so difficult.  Somedays I feel like hiding from the world, but I know that I can't.  If only we could turn off our minds for a short time.  All our thoughts are consumed with our situation.  We apologize if we haven't been the most supportive to all of you.  The thing that keeps us going is precious Noah.  He is a fighter and so are we.  With the support of others and the constant prayers, Dan and I will face each day putting this all into God's hands, trusting that God will take care of our precious Noah on earth or in heaven.