Letter to Noah

Dear Noah,

Yesterday, we celebrated Christmas. We celebrated the birth of Jesus. On earth we tried having parties that honored Him, but I'm sure we can't even fathom how great a party it was in heaven. We spent some family moments by your burial site, which we visit quite frequently. Our sadness was comforted when we reminded ourselves that you are in heaven. Though we missed you here on earth, we took great comfort in knowing you were being held by your true Father.

Daddy spoiled Mommy this year, but it just made us both realize that money can't buy happiness. We would have traded everything we have in order to spend the holiday with you. But, again we remind ourselves that we wouldn't want to take you from the wonderfulness of heaven.

You were remembered by so many people this Christmas. Several beautiful ornaments were sent for you. Keepsakes that mommy and daddy treasure so much. Ba and Papa donated money in your honor to organizations that mean a lot to us. Oma did too! It's great to know that you are making an impact and helping others in need, something that your daddy and I feel so strongly about doing. Your creative Aunt Erin (along with the rest of the Lowe clan) got you a stocking with your name on it, a sweet ornament with your footprints and a poem that made mommy cry, as well as, a donation to an organization. Boy are you loved. Even though you weren't here to celebrate with us, you were remembered by all.

Our day was also filled with laughter. Your cousins can really make us chuckle. Kori and Eli came dressed in their new christmas presents. Kori was dressed as a cheerleader. She looked so cute with her pigtails. I don't think we'll ever hear a cheer from her, but she sure looks cute in the outfit. Eli came dressed in his Lions uniform, helmet and all. Ever since Farve left Green Bay, his daddy went back to being a Lions fan. Though Eli's mom (your Aunt Shawn) is a HUGE Vikings fan, his dad (your Uncle Chad) holds onto hope for the Lions. Chad refuses to become a Vikings fan, even though Farve is the QB. Izzy did her usual strip tease act after getting water on her shirt, we're not sure where she got that from...nor do we want to know. Isaiah serenaded us with his new guitar, he will be talented just like his daddy.

We missed you at our festivities, but we know you are in a better place.

Forever in our hearts-

Mom and Dad

P.S. I included some of the pictures I took with the new camera Daddy bought me. Daddy was a goofball and wore Eli's helmet.

Christmas

Sorry I've been so absent, in blogging and in life. Dan and I are both still so up and down with our daily emotions. One minute we are feeling strong...the next we are angry with God and the injustice that surrounds us. Just when we begin to find peace...something else around us smacks us in the face leaving us wondering...Where are you God?

As we approach Christmas, we find ourselves only to handle small doses at a time. To get through the holidays, Dan and I have avoided decorating. No tree, no lights, and no wreaths. We know we aren't being very festive, but we also know that our hearts can only handle so much. The only decoration we have put up is the beautiful wreath by Noah's marker.

As we are go through our ups and downs, we still know that God is wrapping His loving arms around us and carrying us through. Though we are angry and sorrowful, He is there. The days ahead we will cling to the true meaning of Christmas and remember Immanuel.

Getting Away

With our due date approaching, Dan and I know we need to get away for a little while. The anticipation of events seems to cause more stress than the actual events. Knowing this, Dan and I decided to plan a trip...something to look forward to. So, instead of focusing on what should be...we are packing our bags for a little sun and heading to Mexico.

We look forward to being anywhere but home on November 4th. We are both very blessed to have jobs that are flexible to our needs. Personally, being at school wouldn't be good for me. I know that my heart and mind won't be there. Each day, I gladly give so much of myself to help my students out. However, I know I need to take care of me during this week. Spending time away with Dan is just what is needed.

As we continue to ask why, we continue to gain strength each day. Our emotions are always just under the surface and it doesn't take much for these emotions to reveal themselves. Our faith stays strong as our broken hearts heal. As we are learning from others that we meet who have had similar experiences, this journey of healing will continue for a lifetime.

Test

Dan and I got our test results back. Everything looks to be normal. Thanks for your prayers!

Aching Arms and Hurting Hearts

It has been two months since we held our little angel. We still long to hold him and share precious moments with him. As time goes on, we struggle with finding a normal in our lives. Peoples lives move forward, yet we still feel broken in the shadows of daily life. We walk the steps of life, put together on the outside, but still so broken and weak on the inside. We go to church on Sundays, sitting or standing in the back so we can escape when our emotions take over. Newborn babies are everywhere in the church we have been attending. We try to stay in the back, but each week we are challenged by the placement of young infants being directly in front of us. So, we attempt to stand in the narthex, but again babies are everywhere. There use to be so much joy we had when seeing a little one, but now we turn away to take deep breaths to prevent ourselves from breaking down. Then, the guilt sets in for our reactions. We want to be joyful for others and we are, but we are still so raw.

On October 3rd, we participated in "A Walk to Remember" at Fallasburg Park in Lowell. For 23 years, families who have suffered loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death gather to walk in memory of their lost ones. We walked for the footsteps Noah will never take on this earth. We also learned that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as decreed by President Ronald Reagan in 1988 because of a loss he went through.

This month we will face many challenges ahead. First of all, we are a month away from our due date. We fear the days ahead and all the painful milestones we will have to get through. Dan and I will be going on vacation so we don't have to be home on November 4th. Secondly, my family will be having some medical procedures done at Holland Hospital...a place we wish we never had to go to again. On Wednesday, my niece will be having dental surgery. In her 2 1/2 years, I have been there through all her surgeries and hospital stays. We feel guilty not being able to stop in to even check on how things are going or to see her when she is coming out of the anesthetics. Then, in a couple of weeks my mom will be having hip replacement surgery. As much as Dan and I would like to avoid Holland Hospital forever, we know we have to set our pains aside to be strong for others. We have always been there for family and they have always been there for us. How do we support when we are paralyzed by the thought of even entering the dreaded hospital? Lastly, we continue to wait on our previous test results. We become anxious about the results and our future.

Please continue to pray for us. As we lean on God and ask for his guidance, we continue to face dark trials.

Noah's Marker

Noah's marker has been placed at his grave site. On it states Isaiah 43:1, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Each visit to Noah's site will remind us that the Lord called him by name. We will be reminded that Noah is celebrating in heaven with all those who have gone before us. Though we continue to mourn, we know our precious baby boy is in the arms of his Creator.

School

School has been wonderful this year. I have a group of students that I would love to hold onto until they graduate. I've had so many moments of happy tears. The simplicity of my kids being prepared for class, having their homework finished, and participating in class leave me so excited about the progress they are making. Their smiles and excitement warm my heart continually.

Today one of my students touched my heart in a way she will never understand. She came in so proud and excited to give me a gift. With a large grin on her face she revealed to me the sun catcher she made for me, it was a butterfly. Being a teacher, you get some random gifts from kids that you kinda wonder what you should do with them. Not this time. This gift touched my heart and continues to make me smile every time I see the sun shining through it. As it hangs on my classroom window, I'm reminded of Noah and I'm reminded of my gift of teaching that God has blessed me with.

Needless to say, being back at school has been a blessing. The kids are such a bright spot in my day. I continue to pray for strength as the stress of everything piling up begins. Though Dan and I continue to mourn and have our weak moments, we are also having a little joy in our life too.

Trisomy 21 Confirmed

Today we received confirmation from the Mayo Clinic that Noah had Trisomy 21, otherwise known as down's syndrome. In some cases, like Noah's, Trisomy is complicated by non-immune hydrops.

Dan and I are thankful to know the results about Noah. It doesn't place him back in our arms, but it closes some of the questions we had.

Dan and I will have to get blood work done to find out if we carry part of an extra chromosome, which is called balanced translocation. If we do, they tell us that our next child would have a 1 in 7 chance of having Trisomy 21 again.

We are still anxious about getting our blood work done and fear one of us may carry the extra part of a chromosome. We pray for the test results to be clear. We trust that God will lead us through.

Thanks for the Prayers!

Today was the 1st day of school. It came with some anticipation and nervous jitters, but it went better than I envisioned. I felt everyones prayers giving me strength and courage, so thanks.

My first encounter was with a student I had last year, who is now a big high schooler. She so sweetly walked into my classroom saying hello and sharing her fears and excitement about being in high school. Then, she so sweetly made the effort to say to me, "I'm sorry about what happened." Very simple and sweet. It meant so much.

My second encounter was with one of my 8th graders. Bless her compassionate little heart. She latched on to me like she was afraid I was never going to see her again. As I worked to peel her off so I could at least breath, she stated "My family is so sad for you. We are all just so sad, especially me." She gave me several hugs through out the day.

All in all, it was good to be back. I will continue to lean on the Lord in the days ahead, but I praise Him for carrying us this far. Thanks to all of you for the many prayers and encouraging words. Your thoughtfulness always brightens our day.

The Start of a New Year

Tomorrow is the start of the new school year. Although I am a bit apprehensive about the 1st week, I know once I face my fears of moving forward I will be okay. It has been 5 weeks, and I still feel like my emotions are pretty raw at times. As much as I would love to lock myself into my home for the months ahead, I know I was blessed with gifts from above. The Lord will give me strength in the days ahead. Strength to get out of bed in the morning and strength to serve my Savior. Strength to face scary and uncomfortable situations. Strength to move forward when I want to hold on so tightly to the past. Strength to find joy and happiness in the world around me.

Please continue to pray for peace and strength in the days ahead.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The past couple of days Dan and I have encountered a few things that have set us back.

Today, I had to go back to school for teacher inservice. It was a day I've been dreading for awhile. My stomach has been in knots, and I've been having panic attacks. The anxiety has been like nothing I've every experienced. Last night, I broke down. I couldn't hold it together any longer. I was so scared to face people at school...not because I thought they didn't care, but because I wasn't ready to end my grieving time. I was and am scared to move forward. Dan, not knowing what to do or how to help me, said something that really helped me out. "Because we were born into sin, bad things happen. As we cry out, "Why is this happening?", on the flip side, "why do we deserve the wonderful things that we have?". We don't. We don't deserve a loving family, supportive friends, and a strong marriage...but, by God's good grace we are able to have these things and so much more." Dan's words really touched me. The precious memories we have of our pregnancy with Noah are a gift from God. These thoughts comforted us and allowed us to finally rest our heads for the night. As I woke up in the morning, the anxiety was still there, and I was on the brink of tears. My body was shaking and weak. Fortunately, I was able to drive in with my cousin/coworker Nickie, who knows all too well the fear of facing a crowd after tragedy, and she was my support through the day. Walking into the cafeteria was so scary, all I could do was turn my back to the crowd of people and try to blend in. As people would approach me with a hug, it was a therapeutic release of all the built up anxiety. It was good to be back, but definitely not enjoyable. A school is filled with terms that constantly send me into a emotional break down. While we were learning a new online grade book system, a comment was said, "You can set the due date of an assignment and then mom and dad will be able to check the grade." Of course, my brain picks out due date, mom, and dad. Another thing that is talked about ALL the time are trimesters. When I hear the word, I don't think about how the year is broken into three periods. I think about how I was so close to my 3rd trimester with Noah, and then how I wish that I was still carrying him. Needless to say, it was not an easy day and it felt like all the steps forward I have taken are suddenly lost ground. With God supporting me I know I will get through and make more steps forward in the next days.

Another setback also happened this week. After we delivered Noah, they took his birth pictures. Instead of sending them to us, we had to pick them up at the hospital. It wasn't just the hospital though, the pictures were in the nursery. Making grieving parents go to the hospital in general is just cruel, but forcing them to go to the birth center and specifically to the nursery, is one of the WORST things they could ask of parents who so long to have their baby in their arms. Dan, being the strong caretaker, knew I emotionally couldn't handle going back there. He went on his own. Alone, he had to face the painful memories that the hospital holds. How blessed am I to have such a great guy that chose to marry and love me each day? Dan is a gift from God that I am so blessed to have. Dan's experience at the hospital wasn't easy, but prayers and God's strength got him through.

The last set back we are facing is the fact that we still haven't heard the results of Noah's testing. Last week, we were okay with not knowing because it didn't change the outcome...Noah still wouldn't be with us. This week, we are becoming impatient with waiting. We just want to know some answers.

In the days ahead, please continue to pray for our strength. Please pray for the test results to come soon so that is one less thing we have to worry about and one more step towards closure. Pray for Dan and I as we enter into a new stage of grieving and at times struggle to understanding each other.

Back into the Swing

I wish I could say that getting back into the swing of things is easy, but I can't. Tuesday was Dan's 1st day back at work. I never realized how dependent on him I have become. It is hard when the one person you can relate to isn't by your side 24-7.

Getting back to school isn't easy at all. On Thursday, I found myself breaking down and not being able to get the courage to go to school myself. I realized that I have always faced people with Dan by my side and now facing people alone scares me. I'm not sure why, but it just does. Fortunately, my sister was kind enough to sit with me at school. On Friday, I decided to brave it on my own. I've never felt such anxiety in my life. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking, and I'm sure my face was showing every ounce of fear that I was feeling. The typical door I take to get to my classroom was jammed and I couldn't get my key to work. So, I had to go through the busyness of the volleyball camp that was taking place. I was so scared that I would run into a student and have to explain my situation.

Dan and I pray for strength as the school year approaches. It is hard for me to talk about what happened without tears. I'm not sure how I am going to explain in a way that is appropriate for a public school. With my nieces and nephews I can just say that Noah is in heaven and it's a happy thing. How do you explain it when it has to be so matter of fact?

I pray that I am ready next week, but I'm scared. I have no reason to be scared because I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive coworkers, yet I can't get rid of the fear I have. I can't even explain what it is that I am scared of because I really can't put it into words.

Relying on God's strength, I will continue this journey back into the swing of my everyday life. Though I would love to continue summer vacation for a few more months, the reality is...life is continuing on. Dan and I still hold tight to our precious memories of Noah. We still have our times when we wish he were with us, but we realize that life around us is continuing on. We can't stay in our holding pattern of life forever, we must continue on living our lives for the glory of God. We continue to question Him and at times get upset with Him over what happened, but we know that we were given gifts by God to use in life. My gift is teaching. So, as I get back into the swing of things I will trust in God to give me the strength I need to face each day ahead.

Feeling so Loved

Dan and I are so grateful for the wonderful people who have surrounded us during our time of need.  Your thoughtfulness continues to touch us with each day.  

Recently, Dan and I received a letter from the funeral home stating that someone anonymously covered the costs of Noah's memorial.   Though we can't personally thank those responsible for this act of kindness, we hope they read this blog and know that their kindness is appreciated.  The different expenses we encounter are very painful.  Instead of spending our money at Babies 'R Us on fun things like strollers and car seats,  we are hit with funeral costs and burial fees.  The emotional toll that comes with each bill sent to our home is harder than the actual expense of the bill.  When we got  a letter from the funeral home stating that our expenses were covered it brought tears to our eyes.  We felt so loved that someone was so selfless and helped us out in our time of need.   With all our hearts we thank you and appreciate what you've done.

Another act of kindness that warmed our hearts was a recent trip to Frankenmuth.  Dan's Aunts took us there as a little getaway and a way to show us their love.  Who knew our little getaway would end in stardom.  Thanks to Grace's desire to turn left and Marlene's love for chocolate, we walked into a little shop and were asked to be part of an advertisement they were shooting.  With wine and chocolates, we dined with real class as the cameras rolled.  At one point they wanted a close up of me sipping the wine.  Since I'm not a wine drinker, I had to choke down the small sample they gave me while maintaining a pleasant look on my face.  We are all waiting on our next casting call.  We were cheap actors for them...a box of chocolates and we were ecstatic.  Later that evening we went to Bronner's and shopped till we dropped.  Who knew there could be so many Christmas items?  It was a nice getaway for us and again we were touched by their thoughtfulness.

And still there are others that have brought flowers, made goodies, given us dinner, given us sentimental objects, and so much more.  Words can't even begin to express how blessed we feel to be so love.  Your kindness is a witness and encouragement to us.

Update

This past week has been very busy.  Dan’s sister got married on Friday, so it was a week full of family festivities.  Poker, golf, hanging out, and LOTS of eating…good times, but I feel the stress of summer coming to an end. 

School starts in less than 2 weeks.  Am I ready?  Nope, but I will be.  I always get anxious before school starts, worrying about how the classroom looks and spending countless hours on small silly details.  This year I’m not so anxious about all the little aesthetic details, but I am more worried about my emotional state.  Dan and I are much stronger than we were a couple of weeks ago, but I’m nervous about seeing everyone at school again.  It is just one more step towards facing the reality of all that has happened.  Once I get through the first few days, I’m sure I’ll be fine…it’s just the anticipation of those days that I dread.  The kids I will be working with this year are wonderful, but I’m not sure how to approach the situation with them.  I pray for God’s guidance and strength.

Dan and I had a doctor’s appointment today to find out the results from the tests sent to Mayo Clinic.  I wasn’t looking forward to the appointment and the memories that would come back while we were there.  Just being there causes such broken heartedness.  Unfortunately, the results aren’t back so we don’t know anything yet. 

Our faith remains strong as we continue to heal.  We have our good days and our not so good days.  Daily we pray for strength and peace as we approach each day.

Wise Elder

Before we left for our getaway, one of our wise elders from church reminded us to look for the God moments like the one we had at Meijer.  Well, we had one.  Very silent and touching.

 

First, a little background to help you understand the significance of the moment.  At Noah’s memorial we ended by releasing of a box full of beautiful monarch butterflies.  One by one they flew off to the heavens, except for the few that wanted to stick around the flowers placed over Noah.  From that moment on we knew we would look at monarchs differently and be excited about each time we spotted one.

 

Dan and I were on a nice Sea-Doo ride.  The day couldn’t have been more perfect.  A warm breeze was blowing in our faces with the bright sunlight dancing off the water, a real moment of joy.  We were taking in all of God’s splendor, when all of a sudden, a beautiful monarch butterfly flew above us.  It was as if God was telling us, “You think this is good, just wait until you are in heaven with me and Noah.”  We were speechless and loving every moment of that treasured encounter with the butterfly.

Our Four-Legged Hairy Love

Our dearest Tucker has had a rough couple of weeks.  Dan and I have so neglected our sweet puppy, the one who always greets us with excitement and cuddles up with us when we are sad.  

Our poor pooch became the brunt of much of our anger.  Little things he would do, like being excited to see us, he would get yelled at.  Our patience was thin.  

The walks weren’t as frequent as they had been prior.  We didn’t give him the love and attention we had always given him before.

On our way up north, we realized how much Tucker has taught us about forgiveness.  Though we had our moments of anger and he was neglected from all his usual attention, he was still there with his big brown loving eyes. 

Going up north is Tucker’s favorite.  

He gets to swim, chase fish, go for paddle boat rides to find more fish, catch frogs, take Sea-Doo rides with Dan, and just be lazy in the sun.  

His days are so filled with excitement that he needs lots of naps to help him out.

Needless to say, our getaway has also been much deserved by our furry love Tucker.    

Tuck provides us with so much undeserved love and it refuels our souls.  We are so thankful for him.

Therapy with Golf

Dan’s way of dealing with things is a good round of golf.  Unfortunately, we have chosen hobbies that cost more than we should be spending, but Dan loves to golf and needed a little therapy time.  So off we went.

On Tuesday we headed out to Lakeside Links in Ludington, home of one of my grandfather’s hole-in-ones.  If only Dan had such skill on the day we went.   His comment was that his chipping stunk like a wet goose fart on a muggy day (from the must see movie New In Town).  The chipping caused a few moments of frustration, but on the bright side at least he was consistently bad when he retried his shot.  (No worries, we weren’t holding anyone up…we were actually waiting for a few groups ahead of us so Dan decided to make the most of his time on the course.) 

Many things added to the day’s adventure.  At one point, Dan jumped out of the cart while it was still moving.  He quickly learned to never again place his foot in the way of the cart.  A little ride over didn’t slow him down.  Next we were trying to climb the steepest terrain on the course with the cart.  When the cart stopped moving at the 80-degree incline, I thought it would be best for me to jump out and push.  Dan’s logic behind it was that it was a beautiful outlook over the lake we were next to.  Then came the moment of greatness…the hole that I believe my grandfather got a hole-in-one on.  Dan being the pressure player he is, gets up and smacks the ball.  FORE!!!  We pull up to find his ball placed 5 feet from the golfer waiting to tee off the next hole.  The comments of the golfer were, “all I heard was a thud”.  Fortunately, no one was hurt…just maybe Dan’s pride.

I decided my body wasn’t really ready for a round of 18, so I decided to just ride along.  Little did I know my body would never be ready for the adventures of riding with Dan on the golf cart.  The carts had to have been super charged.  They went about mach 10 and Dan was loving every second of the speed.  I on the other hand was not.  On the 1^st nine, I thought my white clenched knuckles would have been clue enough to Dan to slow down.  As my body flopped around like a wet noodle, I was reminded of Dan’s frequent reminders to me that I need to be blunt with him in order for him to understand what I need.  So, kindly I asked if he could slow down a touch.  Not because the speed, but because of the speed combined with the bumpy terrain.  I literally think the cart was airborne at times.  My core muscles being too weak to hold me in the cart, I flopped from side to side as I braced myself with all the limbs I had.  Sweetly he would apologize and slow down, until it came to his next shot.  Then, off again, zooming like a bat-out-of-hell.  I think at one time he commented on how much he loved the speed of the carts.  As I would cling to the cart for my own safety, he continued his Nascar driving on the greens.  Kindly again, I would ask him to slow down.  He would sincerely apologize, hit a bad ball, and then off to the races we would go again.  Needless to say, I was glad to sit back in the Lazy-Boy and rest my back after that adventure.

The next morning we headed to Meijer to get a few things.  Looking at the magazines, Dan decided he needed to read up on how to improve his chipping game.  On the cover was, “10 ways to improve your chip shot”.  Perfect!  Rule #1 was “Good chippers are self taught”.  Instantly this poses a little bit of a problem.  Well, I guess we will leave it to Dan to work on this one.  Many more rounds of golf will be needed, but like I said its Dan’s therapy.  If only we could figure out a way for MESSA to cover some of the therapy costs.

 

Getting Away

Today is Tuesday, our most dreaded day of the week.  It marks so many emotional moments.  Our week has felt like one giant roller coaster of emotions.  The dive into sadness happens in an instant, followed by a surreal peacefulness.  Just one week ago, we stopped hearing the precious little heartbeat we always anxiously awaited to hear.  Our hearts are aching and we so long to hold our little boy.  We are missing him with every beat of our own hearts.  Everything around us brings on reminders.  From the clothes in my closet that don't seem to fit like they did a week ago, to Dan wrapping his arms around me, somehow our thoughts always go to Noah.  We are filled with reminders of the things we will miss out on...rocking him to sleep, golfing with Dan, long walks with Tucker, the list could go on.  We wake up in the stillness of the night wishing the silence were broken by the screaming of a baby.  

Time is needed to heal our brokenness and strengthen our spirits.   Being home is too hard, too many painful decisions and too many painful reminders.  Dan and I have decided to head back up north for a few days to get away and begin the healing process.  We hope to find some peace and comfort while being gone.  We hope to gain some strength in our time together.

Faith, Family, and Friends

Without our faith, family, and friends, I'm not sure how Dan and I would get through this dark trial.  All three of these have carried and continue to carry us through our moments of weakness.

Faith

Our faith has been so important.  Dan and I often stop in our tracks praying for the Lord to give us strength to make it through each step along our difficult journey.  Prayers in bed in the morning, prayers while getting ready for the day, prayers in the car before we go where we need to go, prayers at meals, and prayers before bed are all part of our day.  I've never needed to depend so much on my faith.  I've never needed to ask God for so much strength.  There isn't a moment that goes by that we don't rely on our faith in our Creator.  As difficult as it is at times, we continue to praise the Lord.  We praise Him and rejoice that He has called Noah by name and has taken him to be in heaven for eternity.  We find comfort in knowing that someday soon we will meet Noah in heaven.  We will join him in singing eternal praises to our Father.  Noah is in a much better place than any of us can even imagine, and we take comfort in knowing that someday we will rejoice with him the glories of our God.  

Family

I'm not sure we can even begin to sum up how grateful we have been for such a wonderful family.  They have been there through each step.  They have been there for us to cry and they have been there to distract us when needed.  When we felt immobilized, they were there to sit by our side or help us with the difficult task at hand.  They have prayed for us and comforted us. The most touching thing of all is that they loved Noah.  Not just a little, he was a great grandson, grandson, nephew and cousin to them.   It was so heart warming to us how much Noah was loved by them.   Thank you for holding us up and continuing to support us.  Thank you for dropping everything to be by our sides.  Thank you for spending the sleepless night in the hospital waiting on updates.  Thank you for keeping Dan calm when I became loopy from the meds they gave me.  Thank you for helping arrange the memorial service.  Thank you for coordinating a celebration of Noah's life.  Thank you for encouraging us when our spirits were down.  Thank you for being so amazing.  Thank you for loving us and our son.

Friends

Our friends have also been so loving and supportive.  Friends we haven't been in contact with for awhile, friends that I use to work with, friends I work with now, church friends, college friends, childhood friends, friends we have never met...they have all been there.  It amazed us how quickly word spread and suddenly so many people knew what was happening.  So many cards and emails were sent and prayers were given.  Friends held us up in our weakest times, not knowing what to say, they were there.

One friend I need to thank specifically is my closest friend Kara.  Kara and I were freshman roommates in college and quickly developed a friendship that would last a lifetime.  Her living in Delaware makes it difficult for us to hang out on a regular basis, but we are always in contact.  When Dan and I first found out Noah was not well, she dropped everything and flew to be with us.  Then when Noah went to be with the Lord, again she dropped everything to fly in and be there.  Her presence was so important to us.  Nothing held her back from being by our sides when we needed her most.  It meant so much.  Along with Kara, we are also grateful to have her mom's love and support.  Her mom is like a second mom to me and cares for Dan and I like her own.  She too, dropped everything to support us.  The Lord has provided us with such amazing individuals in our life.  We praise Him daily for providing us with such wonderful people we are blessed to be able to call our friends.  

Celebration of Life

Today was Noah's memorial service.  We know that God carried us through the day.  At times we were weak, but Dan and I could feel all your prayers getting us through.  After the memorial, we celebrated Noah's life with friends and family.  The day has worn us out and it is now time for us to rest.  This weekend we are heading up north to just get away.  We will treasure precious Noah in our hearts forever and are so thankful to have such a wonderful group of people supporting us through this journey.

The Beautiful Sunset

Last night Dan and I ended our day of pain and sorrow by watching the sunset.  We drove out to the country where we could remain in the car.  Through our blur filled vision, we watched the sun quickly fall.  With each tear, we were reminded not only of how short our life with Noah was, but also how precious and beautiful it was, just like the sunset.  

Sweet Innocence of a Child

After returning home from a long sleepless night at the hospital, my 6-year-old nephew woke Dan and I from nap.  He ran upstairs to our bedside and gave us a hug.  With a smile on his face he said, "I heard about your baby Noah."  His innocence was touching.

My nephew smiled, because he knew that Noah was in heaven.  He was happy for Noah because he knew Jesus was taking good care of his cousin.   

So, it was in this moment that I too needed to remember to be happy for Noah and smile because he is with Jesus.  During these valleys in our lives, Dan and I will cling to our child-like faith and remember all that is good and faithful.

On Earth and In Heaven Today

Today we welcomed Noah into this world and sent him to heaven to be an angel.  What a bittersweet day it has been.  We feel blessed to know that our precious baby is being taken care of by the GREATEST Father there is.  As much as Dan and I wanted to be great parents, we know that God will be able to teach him far better than we could ever imagine.  We serve an AMAZING God who in the midst of our pain allows us to be angry.  He allows us to be upset.  He allows us to question.  Yet in the end, His comforting presence surrounds us and gives us peace.  So, as we mourn and grieve we know that it is okay, and we know that God will carry us through.

Thanks to all of you that prayed for us.  While we were at the hospital, we felt moments of peace and comfort.  We could feel the love of all of you lifting us up.  We knew so many of you were praying for us.  Your postings meant so much and encouraged us along the way.  

As hard as it was to hold our precious baby, it was also the greatest memory Dan and I hold onto now.  We already miss him dearly and wish we could again be holding him.  We didn't want to let go.  Our pastor said it best when he told us the amazing part was that Noah was not only being held by us on earth, but he was also being held in heaven.  Only with God is this possible.  So since Noah is no longer being held on earth, we are glad that he is being held in heaven and being welcomed by those we know that are already there.

Leaving the hospital was so painful.  The only way out was past the nursery.  So while the other families got to leave with their precious bundles of joy, Dan and I got to leave holding a teddy bear given to us by the hospital.  It was pure torture.  This was followed by having to get into the car and leaving.  I so longed to snap a car seat into the back and leave the hospital as a family.   Then, to arrive home knowing that it was just Dan and I.  It was the loneliest we have ever felt.  It hurts so much knowing that Dan and I are alone in the house.  As we sit together speechless, we cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  We hold onto the precious memories we have.  

As difficult as it was to know that this was going to happen, Dan and I are grateful that we were able to treasure and make the most of the past 4 weeks.  The days and moments ahead are going to be taken one step at a time.  With God carrying us through, we know that someday soon we will see Noah again in heaven.  We will spend an eternity with him celebrating and singing praises to our God.  As we face these dark times, please pray for peace and guidance.  Pray that our faith stays strong and that we hold each other up in the hardest of times.  Thanks again for supporting us through our journey.  Your love and support means so much to us. 

Our Precious Child

Noah has gone to be with the Lord.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Tuesday Morning

Our appointment is at 9:00 this morning.  Please pray for a strong heartbeat again!

Shift in Excitement

Sharing the news of our expectant arrival was such a joyous time.  Dan and I first shared with my grandma, who is called Oma by the great grandkids.  There was something so special about sharing the news, she nearly fell over she was so overwhelmed with happiness for us.  Fortunately, Dan was behind her to catch her from her unsteady feet.  We learned that day to always tell Oma good news when she was sitting down.  This was just the start of the exciting moments of sharing our big news.  A couple of days later, we were heading down to the Florida/Alabama coast with my family for spring break.  Dan and I are HORRIBLE at keeping secrets, so not saying anyone until we got there was difficult.  The thing that helped us not tell was knowing that my mom would probably check in with us every hour on the hour for the whole 19 hour drive down, making sure we were okay.  When we arrived, we had T-Shirts for my nieces and nephews to announce the news.  I don't think that they really understood what was going on.  They were just excited to be out of their car seats.  Instantly, they were jumping beans on the bed screaming and giggling like little hyenas.  My sister-in-law saw them first and was so determined to get a picture of all of them.  However, she failed to read the t-shirt to figure out what all the excitement was about.  As my family gathered around the little jumping hyenas to figure out what was happening, suddenly my sister began screaming.  If you know Erin, you know it wasn't a quiet scream.  I'm sure 3 miles into Florida and 3 miles into Alabama vacationers were wondering what was happening.  With her screaming and classic excited foot stomp, the rest of the family eventually caught on.  It was such an exciting and memorable time.

Other exciting moments included seeing our baby on the little screen, sharing the news with my students at school, preparing the nursery, getting special baby gifts from friends, and the beginning of shopping for needed things (Dan is NOT a shopper, so him wanting to go was a celebration of it's own).

So the heart breaking part of most of what is happening is the shifting of excitement.  No longer are our excitements the typical milestones of pregnancy.  Our excitement comes when we hear Noah's heart beating strong on Tuesdays.  We pray for many more Tuesdays to come.  Instead of looking forward to stroller shopping and buying diapers, we look forward to the precious beat of a heart that we so long to know.  A heart that we long to nurture and mend when its spirit is broken.  Please continue to pray with us for a miracle!

Prayers Needed

It is Sunday and again the fear of Tuesday sinks in, as we wait for our appointment.  This week has been much different because it feels like the fear never went away.  I've never been more scared and heartbroken in all my life.  Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since we found out the terrible news and began the longest most painful weeks of our lives.  We celebrate each extra week we have with Noah and continue to pray for 3 more months until he is due, but we ask for your prayers to get us through each day.  Getting out isn't always easy.  Simple tasks seem so difficult.  Somedays I feel like hiding from the world, but I know that I can't.  If only we could turn off our minds for a short time.  All our thoughts are consumed with our situation.  We apologize if we haven't been the most supportive to all of you.  The thing that keeps us going is precious Noah.  He is a fighter and so are we.  With the support of others and the constant prayers, Dan and I will face each day putting this all into God's hands, trusting that God will take care of our precious Noah on earth or in heaven.

26 Weeks

Today marks 26 weeks.  We are speechless.  No words can describe it.  Do we celebrate?  Do we just continue on?  What do we do besides just wait with fear and anxiety?

The farther along we get, the harder it becomes for us that we are going to lose our baby.  Many babies are born premature and are fine.  Why can't Noah be early?  Why can't they fix him?  These are questions we have asked the doctor and still the outlook is grim.

We move forward thankful for each milestone Noah makes it through.  We cherish the moments we get to be his parents, knowing that someday God will be a better parent than we can ever be.  We are comforted by knowing that God will take care of Noah on earth and in heaven.  As we wait in these difficult moments, we continue to ask God for a miracle unexplainable by human medicine.  While we wait, we try to find peace in all of this knowing that it is in God's hands.

We stay strong when everything feels so wrong

A friend recently emailed me about how we are strong in our weakest moments.  I would agree.  I have lived a very blessed life.  Though misfortune has arose at times, I would bounce back.  With this experience, I realize what it is like to fully bow before the Lord, crying out for his mercy and grace.  I realize what it is like for Him to carry me in my weakest moments.  

Though Dan and I are going through a lot of pain right now, we have also had so much joy.  The joy of hearing Noah's heart beat strong and another week with him.  The joy of a strong marriage, deeply rooted in our faith.  The joy of knowing we have a Savior guiding us through.  The joy of family and friends who love and support us through this time.  The joy of Noah already getting a nickname from his aunt.

So, though we are extremely weak...parts of us are becoming extremely strong.  With God's support and the support of those around us, we face each day not knowing what the future holds.  We are thankful for the strength that God provides us to get through each day.

Still beating strong...

Our weekly check-in at the doctor went great.  Noah's heart is still beating strong.  Today marked 3 weeks, so already Noah is proving that he is a fighter.  Though the outlook is still the same, we celebrate that he has made it longer than they expected.  Each day is a blessing.  

At this appointment we recorded the heartbeat on my computer.  Now we can listen to it whenever we want. 

We continue to praise God for supporting us in our weakest moments and we praise Him for Noah.  

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Time stands still...

Usually two days before our appointment time begins to stand still.  Our lives feel similar to the childhood game Red Light, Green Light.  The green light is on when we celebrate our the sound of the heart beat.  It carries us through most of the week, feeling blessed that Noah is still with us.  We celebrate and plan the week ahead.  Praise to the Lord is given.  Then typically two days before our appointment the fear of the unknown begins to set in.  As we near the appointment, the red light goes on.  We become numb and paralyzed with fear.  Each step is difficult, everything feels like you are climbing a mountain.  We are unable to make definite plans for the week ahead, we just don't know.  When we are standing still, it becomes some of our darkest times.  Again we question God and why this is happening.  Broken hearted we cry out to the Lord.  Our trust remains in Him, but we humbly ask for more time with Noah and we humbly ask for a miracle.  

Please keep us in your prayers as we go through these dark times that seem to stand still.  Pray for a miracle for Noah and that our faith stays strong through all these hard times.

The Importance of being a good stranger...

As Dan and I face our tribulations, we realize many around us have pains of their own that are so deep.  We realize we are not walking alone in this painful steps of life.

The other day, an elderly man working at Meijer really touched our hearts.  Though we don't know him and will never be able to thank him, he provided a bright spot in our day.  He was diligently cleaning the windows as Dan and I were exiting.  With the sincerest voice and look on his face, he looked up from what he was doing and wished us a good day.  After that Dan and I looked at each other thinking, if only he knew.  If only he knew how much of an angel he was to us at that moment.  If only he knew how much we needed to hear those words.  If only he knew how much he brightened our day with the sincerity in his voice and the compassion in his eyes.

We realized at that moment that so many people around us are walking through pain in their lives.  We carry on our lives looking put together on the outside, but we are broken inside.  We stay strong when we need to, but in the darkness of the night our true feelings and pain come out.

Short of the story is...Dan and I strive to be that uplifting stranger in others lives.  We strive to wish others a wonderful day and provide a much needed smile in their day.  We also challenge you to do the same.  The journey of life is difficult, lets support one another through our difficult times.

Breath by breath

Our days seem to be breath to breath.  Some moments we are so grateful for each extra day we get with Noah.  We cherish the little things in life and make the most of everything.  Other moments are so painful and filled with tears.  Dan has to often remind me to breathe as I crumble apart.  The change can happen in an instant.  

Tuesday was such a wonderful day.  We felt so blessed to have another week with Noah.  The sweet music of his heart pumping strong lingered in our ears all day.  We felt so loved and supported by all.  We could feel God guiding us through and giving us the courage to bond with our precious little boy. 

Wednesday was also great, in the beginning.  Noah got some cousin time in and went blueberry picking.  If only blueberries could heal because he had his fair share of them.  For those of you who don't know, blueberries are my FAVORITE!!!  The first time I went picking with Dan, I couldn't understand how he was content only eating 3 berries.  I on the other hand, probably end up with more in my belly than in my bucket.  My mom always tells me that blueberries are brain food, so Noah's synapsis' must really be firing today.  The day continued and we were still feeling good about everything.  Dan and I were excited to be able to buy Noah his first Bible and looked forward to bedtime stories at night again.  We felt good about the day.  Then instantly the onset of emotions came again.  I was overwhelmed by the realization that someday we will go to the hospital and come home empty handed and broken hearted.  A nursery ready and waiting that will sit empty and closed up until we can bear to have the door open again.  So many hugs and kisses that we wouldn't be able to share.  Noah would no longer be with us, and we would be alone.  Thoughts I don't wish to have flooded my mind. The only thing that gets me through these moments is knowing that the Lord is going to take better care of him than Dan and I ever will be able to.  Dan and I may not be able to teach him all the things we had hoped, but the Lord will be a much better instructor than us.  So again we surrender ourselves to Him, trusting that He will carry us all through this storm.

Though we continue to cry out to God asking why this is happening, we pray for God's presence in our weakest moments.  May He continue carrying us through the weak times and may we continue to walk along His side when we are strong.  Breath by breath we will continue praying for a miracle and His guidance as we wrestle with the question, how can God feel so close, yet so far away?  

Making the most of each moment...

Dan and I are striving to make the most of every moment we have with Noah.  Though are days are filled with pain, we also have times of celebration and precious moments that will last a lifetime.  We do things that people may think are odd, but it provides peace and comfort to us.  We know we want to be the best parents we can possibly be, so we are making each moment count.  Though what we do feels a little awkward at times, we know that when we look back we won't regret loving Noah like we did.  We have begun reading bedtime stories to Noah, we pray out loud, sing songs to him, and tell him constantly how much we love him.  Though it is strange and extremely painful at times...we do it as a way to show him we love him.  It is our way of being the best parents we can while he is with us.

Family, Friends, and Dan

Through all of this, we have been blessed with such amazing people.  Our families and friends have been there to let us cry and also to distract us from the everyday pain.  Though words are not easy to find, the presence of people being there is priceless.  We couldn't have asked for better family and friends.  The cards that are sent are constant reminders of how much we are all loved and how many people are praying for Noah.  The calls and texts before our appointments and periodically throughout the week to check on us mean more than you all will ever know.  We feel so blessed to have an army of people out there praying and thinking of us.

My rock through all of this has been Dan.  I always knew I was lucky to be his wife, but I never realized how lucky until now.  Dan is the strong care taker in all of this.  He knows how weak I am and carries me through.  With his endless hugs, words of encouragement, and spiritual guidance our relationship continues to grow as we pass through this storm.  Dan's love for me and Noah get us through the difficult moments in the day.  I thank the Lord often for blessing me with such an amazing husband.

Our Story

In February 2009, we found out we were expecting!  It was such an exciting time for us, but we were cautious to share and celebrate.  We had previously been through a miscarriage and wanted to wait until things were safe before we shared.  

The end of March, we went in for our first appointment and an ultrasound.  I will never forget the look on Dan's face when the baby showed up on the screen.  It was one of those moments in life that I will cherish forever.  We smiled and cried tears of joy as we saw our little peanut's heart beating ever so strong.

We continued with our appointments, Dan always wanted to be present as we heard the cherished heart beats.  Little did we know how precious and important those beats would become to us.

At our 20 week ultrasound, we knew we didn't want to know if we were having a boy or a girl.  To us, a healthy baby was all that we asked for.  Boy or girl, the surprise could wait until November.  At the ultra sound, it was amazing again to see our baby.  So perfect to us.  Cute little toes and even a thumbs up.  We left our appointment so excited.  At this point the excitement of it all had really sunk in, we were going to be parents.  About a day later the nesting began.  We cleared out closet spaces and prepared the nursery.  Good times were had as we began to celebrate.

A week and a 1/2 later, my doctor called.  He called to tell me there were some concerns with our ultrasound.  Four things were noticed on the ultrasound:  1.  Our baby was measuring a week behind.  2.  It's kidneys were larger than normal.  3.  It's femurs were measuring shorter than normal.  4.  There was shadowing just beyond the stomach.  The doctor explained that alone none of these would be a big concern, but because there were 4 things it could be a sign that our baby had Down's Syndrome.  This hit us hard, but we knew that God would get us through, and we would love our baby no matter what.  

Less than a week later, we went to see the specialist in Grand Rapids.  Little did we know this visit would change things for us dramatically.  First, we met with the genetics counselor.  She went over our family history.  She began with my family, asking about my siblings and their children.  At this time, all Dan could do was chuckle as he began to prepare sharing about his side of the family.  For those of you who don't know, Dan is 1 of 12 kids.  We thought another paper was going to be needed in order to fit all the information.  We fumbled through guessing everyone's age and hoped we got the order correct.  I think we did alright for not having things written out before.  Looking at the family history, there were no red flags and things looked good.  This was followed by an ultrasound that changed everything.  We went in excited again to be able to see our baby.  Strong heart beat, cute toes and fingers, and a precious little rump that was sticking out.  The lady doing the ultrasound was moving through things rather quickly, trying to carry on small talk...but looking back we realized she knew something was wrong.  She finished the ultrasound and darted out the room to get the doctor.  Dan even joked about how quickly she left.  The doctor came in and immediately told us things did not look good.  In my mind, things were still okay.  I was prepare to handle any disabilities our child would have.  I knew that our faith and marriage were strong, and we could handle the road ahead.  I knew no matter what, our child would be precious to us and we would love him unconditionally.  I was not prepared for the doctor to tell us that our baby was going to pass away in the next 2-3 weeks.  I felt like a bus had hit me.  Our world had just crumbled.  Our precious little baby had fluid filling around his brain and abdominal cavities.  The doctor said in a few weeks his heart would fill with fluid and the beating would stop.  Everything else that was told to us was a blur.  Nothing was sinking in except for the fact that there was nothing we could do but wait.  Aside from a miracle, the prognosis wasn't good.  The doctor then prayed with us and we were on our way.

The ride home was pretty silent, we couldn't digest what had just happened.  We were numb and in shock.  The next days were filled with questions and anger.  How could our precious little baby's heart that is beating so strong just stop?  Why was God doing this to us?  What have we done to deserve this?  What did I do wrong to cause this?  We were helpless, angry and confused.  Our faith was present, but we were skeptical as to why God would be allowing this to happen.  We knew God was mourning with us, but we were still upset.  Our tear filled prayers cried out for answers.  

A week later, at 24 weeks, we went in to check on the heart beat.  More scared than we have ever been in our lives, we entered the office.  Right away, they took my blood pressure and then checked for the baby's heart beat.  The beating was strong and showed up quickly.  It was like a double edged sword...we celebrated that our baby was still alive and well, but we remained hurt by the inevitable they tell us is coming.   Due to the situation, Dan and I wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  We knew that looking at another ultrasound would be painful, but we needed to know.  We found out it's a boy.  Another moment with Dan I will never forget.  I could tell he was so proud to be having a son, but crushed by the fear of not being able to have father-son time.  We named him Noah Daniel.  Finding out was the best thing we could have done, it has truly helped us bond and no longer do we have to keep saying "the baby" and "it".

The following week was not easy.  Again we felt helpless and questioned why this was happening.  Our faith in God became stronger as the days progressed.  Our biggest lesson was trusting that God is in control.  Though we pray for a miracle, we trust that God will take care of Noah.  Someday, on earth or in heaven, we will see our precious little angel.  For now we just trust in God being good and supporting us through all of this.

Week 25, we went in again anxious about what we were going to hear.  Right away Noah's little heart came pounding through the monitor.  Such a sweet and precious sound...I could listen to it for hours.  We praise the Lord for another week with Noah and pray for many more to come.  The doctor reminded us again that the prognosis isn't good.  Noah may hold on until November, but there is nothing medically they can do to help him if he makes it to that point.  Dan and I continue to hold on to the hope of a miracle.  We pray for a miracle and celebrate each extra moment we have with Noah.