Aching Arms and Hurting Hearts

It has been two months since we held our little angel. We still long to hold him and share precious moments with him. As time goes on, we struggle with finding a normal in our lives. Peoples lives move forward, yet we still feel broken in the shadows of daily life. We walk the steps of life, put together on the outside, but still so broken and weak on the inside. We go to church on Sundays, sitting or standing in the back so we can escape when our emotions take over. Newborn babies are everywhere in the church we have been attending. We try to stay in the back, but each week we are challenged by the placement of young infants being directly in front of us. So, we attempt to stand in the narthex, but again babies are everywhere. There use to be so much joy we had when seeing a little one, but now we turn away to take deep breaths to prevent ourselves from breaking down. Then, the guilt sets in for our reactions. We want to be joyful for others and we are, but we are still so raw.

On October 3rd, we participated in "A Walk to Remember" at Fallasburg Park in Lowell. For 23 years, families who have suffered loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death gather to walk in memory of their lost ones. We walked for the footsteps Noah will never take on this earth. We also learned that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as decreed by President Ronald Reagan in 1988 because of a loss he went through.

This month we will face many challenges ahead. First of all, we are a month away from our due date. We fear the days ahead and all the painful milestones we will have to get through. Dan and I will be going on vacation so we don't have to be home on November 4th. Secondly, my family will be having some medical procedures done at Holland Hospital...a place we wish we never had to go to again. On Wednesday, my niece will be having dental surgery. In her 2 1/2 years, I have been there through all her surgeries and hospital stays. We feel guilty not being able to stop in to even check on how things are going or to see her when she is coming out of the anesthetics. Then, in a couple of weeks my mom will be having hip replacement surgery. As much as Dan and I would like to avoid Holland Hospital forever, we know we have to set our pains aside to be strong for others. We have always been there for family and they have always been there for us. How do we support when we are paralyzed by the thought of even entering the dreaded hospital? Lastly, we continue to wait on our previous test results. We become anxious about the results and our future.

Please continue to pray for us. As we lean on God and ask for his guidance, we continue to face dark trials.