Thursday, September 17, 2009

Noah's Marker



Noah's marker has been placed at his grave site. On it states Isaiah 43:1, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Each visit to Noah's site will remind us that the Lord called him by name. We will be reminded that Noah is celebrating in heaven with all those who have gone before us. Though we continue to mourn, we know our precious baby boy is in the arms of his Creator.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

School

School has been wonderful this year. I have a group of students that I would love to hold onto until they graduate. I've had so many moments of happy tears. The simplicity of my kids being prepared for class, having their homework finished, and participating in class leave me so excited about the progress they are making. Their smiles and excitement warm my heart continually.

Today one of my students touched my heart in a way she will never understand. She came in so proud and excited to give me a gift. With a large grin on her face she revealed to me the sun catcher she made for me, it was a butterfly. Being a teacher, you get some random gifts from kids that you kinda wonder what you should do with them. Not this time. This gift touched my heart and continues to make me smile every time I see the sun shining through it. As it hangs on my classroom window, I'm reminded of Noah and I'm reminded of my gift of teaching that God has blessed me with.

Needless to say, being back at school has been a blessing. The kids are such a bright spot in my day. I continue to pray for strength as the stress of everything piling up begins. Though Dan and I continue to mourn and have our weak moments, we are also having a little joy in our life too.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Trisomy 21 Confirmed

Today we received confirmation from the Mayo Clinic that Noah had Trisomy 21, otherwise known as down's syndrome. In some cases, like Noah's, Trisomy is complicated by non-immune hydrops.

Dan and I are thankful to know the results about Noah. It doesn't place him back in our arms, but it closes some of the questions we had.

Dan and I will have to get blood work done to find out if we carry part of an extra chromosome, which is called balanced translocation. If we do, they tell us that our next child would have a 1 in 7 chance of having Trisomy 21 again.

We are still anxious about getting our blood work done and fear one of us may carry the extra part of a chromosome. We pray for the test results to be clear. We trust that God will lead us through.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Thanks for the Prayers!

Today was the 1st day of school. It came with some anticipation and nervous jitters, but it went better than I envisioned. I felt everyones prayers giving me strength and courage, so thanks.

My first encounter was with a student I had last year, who is now a big high schooler. She so sweetly walked into my classroom saying hello and sharing her fears and excitement about being in high school. Then, she so sweetly made the effort to say to me, "I'm sorry about what happened." Very simple and sweet. It meant so much.

My second encounter was with one of my 8th graders. Bless her compassionate little heart. She latched on to me like she was afraid I was never going to see her again. As I worked to peel her off so I could at least breath, she stated "My family is so sad for you. We are all just so sad, especially me." She gave me several hugs through out the day.

All in all, it was good to be back. I will continue to lean on the Lord in the days ahead, but I praise Him for carrying us this far. Thanks to all of you for the many prayers and encouraging words. Your thoughtfulness always brightens our day.

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Start of a New Year

Tomorrow is the start of the new school year. Although I am a bit apprehensive about the 1st week, I know once I face my fears of moving forward I will be okay. It has been 5 weeks, and I still feel like my emotions are pretty raw at times. As much as I would love to lock myself into my home for the months ahead, I know I was blessed with gifts from above. The Lord will give me strength in the days ahead. Strength to get out of bed in the morning and strength to serve my Savior. Strength to face scary and uncomfortable situations. Strength to move forward when I want to hold on so tightly to the past. Strength to find joy and happiness in the world around me.

Please continue to pray for peace and strength in the days ahead.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The past couple of days Dan and I have encountered a few things that have set us back.

Today, I had to go back to school for teacher inservice. It was a day I've been dreading for awhile. My stomach has been in knots, and I've been having panic attacks. The anxiety has been like nothing I've every experienced. Last night, I broke down. I couldn't hold it together any longer. I was so scared to face people at school...not because I thought they didn't care, but because I wasn't ready to end my grieving time. I was and am scared to move forward. Dan, not knowing what to do or how to help me, said something that really helped me out. "Because we were born into sin, bad things happen. As we cry out, "Why is this happening?", on the flip side, "why do we deserve the wonderful things that we have?". We don't. We don't deserve a loving family, supportive friends, and a strong marriage...but, by God's good grace we are able to have these things and so much more." Dan's words really touched me. The precious memories we have of our pregnancy with Noah are a gift from God. These thoughts comforted us and allowed us to finally rest our heads for the night. As I woke up in the morning, the anxiety was still there, and I was on the brink of tears. My body was shaking and weak. Fortunately, I was able to drive in with my cousin/coworker Nickie, who knows all too well the fear of facing a crowd after tragedy, and she was my support through the day. Walking into the cafeteria was so scary, all I could do was turn my back to the crowd of people and try to blend in. As people would approach me with a hug, it was a therapeutic release of all the built up anxiety. It was good to be back, but definitely not enjoyable. A school is filled with terms that constantly send me into a emotional break down. While we were learning a new online grade book system, a comment was said, "You can set the due date of an assignment and then mom and dad will be able to check the grade." Of course, my brain picks out due date, mom, and dad. Another thing that is talked about ALL the time are trimesters. When I hear the word, I don't think about how the year is broken into three periods. I think about how I was so close to my 3rd trimester with Noah, and then how I wish that I was still carrying him. Needless to say, it was not an easy day and it felt like all the steps forward I have taken are suddenly lost ground. With God supporting me I know I will get through and make more steps forward in the next days.

Another setback also happened this week. After we delivered Noah, they took his birth pictures. Instead of sending them to us, we had to pick them up at the hospital. It wasn't just the hospital though, the pictures were in the nursery. Making grieving parents go to the hospital in general is just cruel, but forcing them to go to the birth center and specifically to the nursery, is one of the WORST things they could ask of parents who so long to have their baby in their arms. Dan, being the strong caretaker, knew I emotionally couldn't handle going back there. He went on his own. Alone, he had to face the painful memories that the hospital holds. How blessed am I to have such a great guy that chose to marry and love me each day? Dan is a gift from God that I am so blessed to have. Dan's experience at the hospital wasn't easy, but prayers and God's strength got him through.

The last set back we are facing is the fact that we still haven't heard the results of Noah's testing. Last week, we were okay with not knowing because it didn't change the outcome...Noah still wouldn't be with us. This week, we are becoming impatient with waiting. We just want to know some answers.

In the days ahead, please continue to pray for our strength. Please pray for the test results to come soon so that is one less thing we have to worry about and one more step towards closure. Pray for Dan and I as we enter into a new stage of grieving and at times struggle to understanding each other.