Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

The past couple of days Dan and I have encountered a few things that have set us back.

Today, I had to go back to school for teacher inservice. It was a day I've been dreading for awhile. My stomach has been in knots, and I've been having panic attacks. The anxiety has been like nothing I've every experienced. Last night, I broke down. I couldn't hold it together any longer. I was so scared to face people at school...not because I thought they didn't care, but because I wasn't ready to end my grieving time. I was and am scared to move forward. Dan, not knowing what to do or how to help me, said something that really helped me out. "Because we were born into sin, bad things happen. As we cry out, "Why is this happening?", on the flip side, "why do we deserve the wonderful things that we have?". We don't. We don't deserve a loving family, supportive friends, and a strong marriage...but, by God's good grace we are able to have these things and so much more." Dan's words really touched me. The precious memories we have of our pregnancy with Noah are a gift from God. These thoughts comforted us and allowed us to finally rest our heads for the night. As I woke up in the morning, the anxiety was still there, and I was on the brink of tears. My body was shaking and weak. Fortunately, I was able to drive in with my cousin/coworker Nickie, who knows all too well the fear of facing a crowd after tragedy, and she was my support through the day. Walking into the cafeteria was so scary, all I could do was turn my back to the crowd of people and try to blend in. As people would approach me with a hug, it was a therapeutic release of all the built up anxiety. It was good to be back, but definitely not enjoyable. A school is filled with terms that constantly send me into a emotional break down. While we were learning a new online grade book system, a comment was said, "You can set the due date of an assignment and then mom and dad will be able to check the grade." Of course, my brain picks out due date, mom, and dad. Another thing that is talked about ALL the time are trimesters. When I hear the word, I don't think about how the year is broken into three periods. I think about how I was so close to my 3rd trimester with Noah, and then how I wish that I was still carrying him. Needless to say, it was not an easy day and it felt like all the steps forward I have taken are suddenly lost ground. With God supporting me I know I will get through and make more steps forward in the next days.

Another setback also happened this week. After we delivered Noah, they took his birth pictures. Instead of sending them to us, we had to pick them up at the hospital. It wasn't just the hospital though, the pictures were in the nursery. Making grieving parents go to the hospital in general is just cruel, but forcing them to go to the birth center and specifically to the nursery, is one of the WORST things they could ask of parents who so long to have their baby in their arms. Dan, being the strong caretaker, knew I emotionally couldn't handle going back there. He went on his own. Alone, he had to face the painful memories that the hospital holds. How blessed am I to have such a great guy that chose to marry and love me each day? Dan is a gift from God that I am so blessed to have. Dan's experience at the hospital wasn't easy, but prayers and God's strength got him through.

The last set back we are facing is the fact that we still haven't heard the results of Noah's testing. Last week, we were okay with not knowing because it didn't change the outcome...Noah still wouldn't be with us. This week, we are becoming impatient with waiting. We just want to know some answers.

In the days ahead, please continue to pray for our strength. Please pray for the test results to come soon so that is one less thing we have to worry about and one more step towards closure. Pray for Dan and I as we enter into a new stage of grieving and at times struggle to understanding each other.