I wish I could say that getting back into the swing of things is easy, but I can't. Tuesday was Dan's 1st day back at work. I never realized how dependent on him I have become. It is hard when the one person you can relate to isn't by your side 24-7.
Getting back to school isn't easy at all. On Thursday, I found myself breaking down and not being able to get the courage to go to school myself. I realized that I have always faced people with Dan by my side and now facing people alone scares me. I'm not sure why, but it just does. Fortunately, my sister was kind enough to sit with me at school. On Friday, I decided to brave it on my own. I've never felt such anxiety in my life. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking, and I'm sure my face was showing every ounce of fear that I was feeling. The typical door I take to get to my classroom was jammed and I couldn't get my key to work. So, I had to go through the busyness of the volleyball camp that was taking place. I was so scared that I would run into a student and have to explain my situation.
Dan and I pray for strength as the school year approaches. It is hard for me to talk about what happened without tears. I'm not sure how I am going to explain in a way that is appropriate for a public school. With my nieces and nephews I can just say that Noah is in heaven and it's a happy thing. How do you explain it when it has to be so matter of fact?
I pray that I am ready next week, but I'm scared. I have no reason to be scared because I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive coworkers, yet I can't get rid of the fear I have. I can't even explain what it is that I am scared of because I really can't put it into words.
Relying on God's strength, I will continue this journey back into the swing of my everyday life. Though I would love to continue summer vacation for a few more months, the reality is...life is continuing on. Dan and I still hold tight to our precious memories of Noah. We still have our times when we wish he were with us, but we realize that life around us is continuing on. We can't stay in our holding pattern of life forever, we must continue on living our lives for the glory of God. We continue to question Him and at times get upset with Him over what happened, but we know that we were given gifts by God to use in life. My gift is teaching. So, as I get back into the swing of things I will trust in God to give me the strength I need to face each day ahead.
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Prayers for you Katie! If you want to chat in person, give me a call or zip an email :) TB
ReplyDeleteI am sure it is the moving forward that is the scariest. You are so brave and you will find the words and if they are accompanied by tears I think that is okay. Continuing to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteYou dont have to say anything at all if you don't want, but when you do have to talk about it the Lord will give you the words that feel right. You have an open door as far as I am concerned to say whatever you need to...my experience gave me boldness like never before you will be able to share Christ to people you never imagined you would for years to come. When your coworkers dont say anything at all dont let it hurt you (I did) they dont know what to say .. just lean on Dan and those who are close to you. You may have times when you feel like keeping Noah all to yourself in your secret safe place and others you will want to talk about him. You are very strong to go back to school, I will be praying for strength for you and Dan!!
ReplyDeleteRachel Charlson
Katie,
ReplyDeleteGod will hold you up and give you the words needed. The first days will be hard but the children will also be the greatest gift in your journey to move ahead. I pray to God to keep giving you the comfort, courage, and strength to face each day:)
Laura Page
Katie,
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you know! God is with you always and he will guide you through this. I think that it is a very natural feeling to be apprehensive about going back to work. It's a reminder that life does go on even in the midst of our suffering. May you find comfort in knowing that you are honoring Noah by using your God-given gift of teaching. I'll be praying for you!