Breath by breath

Our days seem to be breath to breath.  Some moments we are so grateful for each extra day we get with Noah.  We cherish the little things in life and make the most of everything.  Other moments are so painful and filled with tears.  Dan has to often remind me to breathe as I crumble apart.  The change can happen in an instant.  

Tuesday was such a wonderful day.  We felt so blessed to have another week with Noah.  The sweet music of his heart pumping strong lingered in our ears all day.  We felt so loved and supported by all.  We could feel God guiding us through and giving us the courage to bond with our precious little boy. 

Wednesday was also great, in the beginning.  Noah got some cousin time in and went blueberry picking.  If only blueberries could heal because he had his fair share of them.  For those of you who don't know, blueberries are my FAVORITE!!!  The first time I went picking with Dan, I couldn't understand how he was content only eating 3 berries.  I on the other hand, probably end up with more in my belly than in my bucket.  My mom always tells me that blueberries are brain food, so Noah's synapsis' must really be firing today.  The day continued and we were still feeling good about everything.  Dan and I were excited to be able to buy Noah his first Bible and looked forward to bedtime stories at night again.  We felt good about the day.  Then instantly the onset of emotions came again.  I was overwhelmed by the realization that someday we will go to the hospital and come home empty handed and broken hearted.  A nursery ready and waiting that will sit empty and closed up until we can bear to have the door open again.  So many hugs and kisses that we wouldn't be able to share.  Noah would no longer be with us, and we would be alone.  Thoughts I don't wish to have flooded my mind. The only thing that gets me through these moments is knowing that the Lord is going to take better care of him than Dan and I ever will be able to.  Dan and I may not be able to teach him all the things we had hoped, but the Lord will be a much better instructor than us.  So again we surrender ourselves to Him, trusting that He will carry us all through this storm.

Though we continue to cry out to God asking why this is happening, we pray for God's presence in our weakest moments.  May He continue carrying us through the weak times and may we continue to walk along His side when we are strong.  Breath by breath we will continue praying for a miracle and His guidance as we wrestle with the question, how can God feel so close, yet so far away?