The end of March, we went in for our first appointment and an ultrasound. I will never forget the look on Dan's face when the baby showed up on the screen. It was one of those moments in life that I will cherish forever. We smiled and cried tears of joy as we saw our little peanut's heart beating ever so strong.
We continued with our appointments, Dan always wanted to be present as we heard the cherished heart beats. Little did we know how precious and important those beats would become to us.
At our 20 week ultrasound, we knew we didn't want to know if we were having a boy or a girl. To us, a healthy baby was all that we asked for. Boy or girl, the surprise could wait until November. At the ultra sound, it was amazing again to see our baby. So perfect to us. Cute little toes and even a thumbs up. We left our appointment so excited. At this point the excitement of it all had really sunk in, we were going to be parents. About a day later the nesting began. We cleared out closet spaces and prepared the nursery. Good times were had as we began to celebrate.
A week and a 1/2 later, my doctor called. He called to tell me there were some concerns with our ultrasound. Four things were noticed on the ultrasound: 1. Our baby was measuring a week behind. 2. It's kidneys were larger than normal. 3. It's femurs were measuring shorter than normal. 4. There was shadowing just beyond the stomach. The doctor explained that alone none of these would be a big concern, but because there were 4 things it could be a sign that our baby had Down's Syndrome. This hit us hard, but we knew that God would get us through, and we would love our baby no matter what.
Less than a week later, we went to see the specialist in Grand Rapids. Little did we know this visit would change things for us dramatically. First, we met with the genetics counselor. She went over our family history. She began with my family, asking about my siblings and their children. At this time, all Dan could do was chuckle as he began to prepare sharing about his side of the family. For those of you who don't know, Dan is 1 of 12 kids. We thought another paper was going to be needed in order to fit all the information. We fumbled through guessing everyone's age and hoped we got the order correct. I think we did alright for not having things written out before. Looking at the family history, there were no red flags and things looked good. This was followed by an ultrasound that changed everything. We went in excited again to be able to see our baby. Strong heart beat, cute toes and fingers, and a precious little rump that was sticking out. The lady doing the ultrasound was moving through things rather quickly, trying to carry on small talk...but looking back we realized she knew something was wrong. She finished the ultrasound and darted out the room to get the doctor. Dan even joked about how quickly she left. The doctor came in and immediately told us things did not look good. In my mind, things were still okay. I was prepare to handle any disabilities our child would have. I knew that our faith and marriage were strong, and we could handle the road ahead. I knew no matter what, our child would be precious to us and we would love him unconditionally. I was not prepared for the doctor to tell us that our baby was going to pass away in the next 2-3 weeks. I felt like a bus had hit me. Our world had just crumbled. Our precious little baby had fluid filling around his brain and abdominal cavities. The doctor said in a few weeks his heart would fill with fluid and the beating would stop. Everything else that was told to us was a blur. Nothing was sinking in except for the fact that there was nothing we could do but wait. Aside from a miracle, the prognosis wasn't good. The doctor then prayed with us and we were on our way.
The ride home was pretty silent, we couldn't digest what had just happened. We were numb and in shock. The next days were filled with questions and anger. How could our precious little baby's heart that is beating so strong just stop? Why was God doing this to us? What have we done to deserve this? What did I do wrong to cause this? We were helpless, angry and confused. Our faith was present, but we were skeptical as to why God would be allowing this to happen. We knew God was mourning with us, but we were still upset. Our tear filled prayers cried out for answers.
A week later, at 24 weeks, we went in to check on the heart beat. More scared than we have ever been in our lives, we entered the office. Right away, they took my blood pressure and then checked for the baby's heart beat. The beating was strong and showed up quickly. It was like a double edged sword...we celebrated that our baby was still alive and well, but we remained hurt by the inevitable they tell us is coming. Due to the situation, Dan and I wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We knew that looking at another ultrasound would be painful, but we needed to know. We found out it's a boy. Another moment with Dan I will never forget. I could tell he was so proud to be having a son, but crushed by the fear of not being able to have father-son time. We named him Noah Daniel. Finding out was the best thing we could have done, it has truly helped us bond and no longer do we have to keep saying "the baby" and "it".
The following week was not easy. Again we felt helpless and questioned why this was happening. Our faith in God became stronger as the days progressed. Our biggest lesson was trusting that God is in control. Though we pray for a miracle, we trust that God will take care of Noah. Someday, on earth or in heaven, we will see our precious little angel. For now we just trust in God being good and supporting us through all of this.
Week 25, we went in again anxious about what we were going to hear. Right away Noah's little heart came pounding through the monitor. Such a sweet and precious sound...I could listen to it for hours. We praise the Lord for another week with Noah and pray for many more to come. The doctor reminded us again that the prognosis isn't good. Noah may hold on until November, but there is nothing medically they can do to help him if he makes it to that point. Dan and I continue to hold on to the hope of a miracle. We pray for a miracle and celebrate each extra moment we have with Noah.
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